if not now, when? - my journal

[stellart]

the words of wisdom for this month on my boyfriend's calendar. kinda cheezy, but very appropriate. i guess ill start with my introduction since ive been lurking around for the past few days... might as well contribute. you guys are all really supportive of each other, and i really admire that.

ok, well, i just turned 26. ive been overweight most of my life. when i was a kid, my crazy stepmother forced my brother and i to eat alot. weird i know. but i guess i was never taught proper nutrition from the start. so chubby kid, to chubby teenager. i was probably the heaviest when i graduated high school, about 185, and 5'6". started college, kinda naturally lost some of the weight when i gained some independence. at 20, joined a weight loss clinic, went from 170 to 148. gained that back over the years. in general, i try to eat healthier, last week, i weighed in at 161.

i think turning 26, and my recent move out of my home country, and some other changes in life, made me really want to be serious. now is a great time if any to really commit to this. i mean after all, if not now, when??

i have a really big issue and obsession with not only food, but also my body. and where its not quite crippling, its definitely heartbreaking at times. im constantly caught between hating myself for eating, or making excuses as to why i deserve it. i also find weight loss difficult because i havent been an average weight since 7 years old. so i can't even envision a thin version of myself. i need to stop saying things like "im going to try and lose some weight". i need to stop trying so hard, and just do it.

so here we are. i was reading all this great stuff about south beach diet and found this board and ive been following along, but i thought it might be better to post my own stuff too. i could definitely use some support. i dont want to be the big girl anymore, the thick girl, the chubby girl.

i look forward to getting to know all of you, youve been an inspiration already.

[stellart]

food stuffs:

basically i started last thursday. unfortunately i didnt write anything down. but i will try and remember based on memory.

9/11
60 mins on exercise bike
3 eggs with vegs, a few olives and oil
2 cups coffee with skim milk
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tofu stir fry
tomato, 8 olives, light feta, light dressing
--------
3 celery stalks w natural pb
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other stuff i cant remember
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ricotta cheese


9/12
2 eggs, tofu, vegs, oil
coffee , light soy milk
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30 mins on exercise bike
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spicy chicken, guacamole, lettuce, tomato, shredded cheese, creme fraise - basically a taco salad of sorts
-----------------------------------
about 2 spoons of nuts and seeds
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beef sashimi in ponzu sauce
seafood miso soup
tuna sashimi
1.5 rolls, smoked salmon, eel, tuna??
at least 10 spoons of green tea ice cream
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beer
handful of raspberries
bites of bf's chicken sandwich

9/13
rode bicycles outside with B (bf)
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3 eggs, vegs, cheese
coffee with milk and splenda
--------------------------------
chicken and lettuce
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chicken salad with balsamic dressing
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salmon and salad a few shrimps and some cheese

9/14
3 eggs, vegs, cheese
4 slices of turkey bacon
coffee
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celery with natural pb
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small steak with broccoli
vinegar coleslaw
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60 mins on the exercise bike
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2 eggs with vegs and salsa


9/15
coffee with soy milk
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40 mins on exercise bike
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1 egg, plus 1 egg white with tofu and vegs with salsa and creme fraise
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chicken, greek salad, with a bean salad
diet 7 up
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spoon of nuts and seeds
------------------------------
salmon with spinach and ricotta cheese


ok, so actually after trying to organize that, i was able to remember almost everything accurately. i know there's lots of mistakes.

like friday's taco salad was this special meal that the family im living with made. i could have done without the creme fraise i know.

then the sushi was my bday dinner from my aunt who was in town. they gave me the ice cream bc of my bday.

then i had beer w B bc it was actually his bday this past weekend and we watched his favorite movie that i had just given him.

but then i told B on saturday that i was going to lose weight and he could not be my enabler. he was quite supportive. he said we could ride bikes more and he wont buy beer on weekends. aw.

the vinegar coleslaw i didnt know was made with suger til i got home and googled the recipe online.

today went pretty well, except for that creme fraise. but its gone now. yay!

so yeah, 9/11 i weighed myself on my scale that said 161 and it was during the day at some point. 9/12 weighed again with same scale at first wake and it was 157. then weighed myself at B's house on 9/13, same scale model but obviously different devices, at first wake and it read 153.2

i will try not to weigh myself again til friday. but that will be unbelievably difficult for me to do. even more difficult than turning down the cake and beer last night at B's bday dinner. (but i did it!!)

i need to seriously make a commitment here. no more cheating and "its just this one time" excuses.

any words of advice on things i need to improve on....

[stellart]

ugh, im obsessed with that damn scale. so i weighed myself again. i tell myself that its not official. only the thursday weigh in will be the official number. but seriously, it makes me feel better about myself and helps motivate me. so really, i guess whats the harm in that. if i see a happy number, i feel invigorated and want to stay in check for the whole day. if i see a bad number, i feel motivated to stay in check for the whole day.
win win scenario.

read something on here or 3 fat chicks about a pb cookie recipe. i had to improvise so basically it was 1/2 cup of natural pb, 1/2 cup of natural cashew butter, a bit of pure almond extract and 1 egg. baked for 10 minutes on 350.


cup of coffee with light soy milk
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spoonful of nuts and seeds
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60 minutes of excercise bike
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2 eggs, lite tofu, bean sprouts, brocc, olives, purple onion, cooked with oil and salsa
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tuna with mustard
big salad with lettuce, bean sprouts, purple onion, olives, tomato, cucumber, and ceaser dressing
---------------------------------
pb cookie from the recipe
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coffee with light soy milk
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salmon w spinach, olives, tomato, garlic, a bit of light soy milk, a few spoons of cream of celery soup mixed together;
cucumber with cucumber dressing
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pb cookie from the recipe

[stellart]

im not sure if anyone is reading this, but does anyone have any advice for me?? im worried that im not doing too well. ive been reading as much as i can from everyone online, but i confess i dont have the book. anyone though??

[stellart]

today i weighed 154.6. i know this is not all fat, but im ok with that. also i took some measurements today. my waist is down to 30", my thighs 24.5", my waist i lost roughly 2 inches, which may be due to less bloating. but my thighs!!!! that is a total loss. must be all that pedaling. the inside fat part is becoming loose, which means fat loss. oh i could have cried.

holy sweet jesus. i read through some recipes on here and made the chickpeas, cauliflower, and chicken chili sans beans. and i must say, outta this world. i feel guilty right now for eating it actually, b/c i cant imagine it being ok to eat, b/c it was that delicious. even though i cooked it and know what the ingredients are, i still dont believe it. c'est trop bien!

so yeah, i went to the store today, bought some sugar free werthers candies. also bought 99% cocoa noir. its... interesting to say the least. definitely an accquired taste. i definitely didnt expect it to taste fuzzy.

added thoughts for the day... im just so glad that today is almost over. today was hard. hard bc i really wanted that banana crème de blé, i really wanted to eat many desserts. i feel a bit lousy, bc i think i over ate. ok, well i ate way more past satisfied. why do i enjoy that feeling?? but on the flip, i hate that feeling just the same, it makes me feel fat and sluggish. so i cant wait til tomorrow, that way ill be digested. be fresh and new. new day. im glad that i didnt really cheat though. i just ate more than i should have.


anyway.....


coffee with lite soy
1 egg, 1 egg white, lite tofu, bean sprouts, brocc, olives, onion, cheese stick
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15 mins of exercises and 40 minutes on the bike
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tomato and cucumber with lite dressing
pb cookie from recipe
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sf werthers candy
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handful of roasted chickpeas
mashed cauliflower
chicken chili without the beans
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2 sf werthers candies during this time
1 square of 99% lindt cocoa noir (ns)
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coffee with skim milk
handful of roasted chickpeas
mashed cauliflower
chicken chili sans beans
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[play-doh]

Hi Stellart! First, I have to say, I love your motto "If not now, when?" and I agree with you, it's very appropriate. Not cheezy at all.

I'm no expert by any means, but I glanced at your menus and from I can tell, you're right on target. You keep a nice variety of foods in your menus which, in my opinion, is important. Your exercise is good too.

How do you feel? Do you have cravings? Is your energy high?

There's no doubt that you're doing something right because your scale clearly indicates a loss.

Keep up the good work!

Play-doh

[stellart]

How do you feel? Do you have cravings? Is your energy high?

There's no doubt that you're doing something right because your scale clearly indicates a loss.

thanks for taking a look, i appreciate all the advice i can get really. i feel pretty good. today was the first time i really wanted something sweet. but ive been reading the recipes and found some good ones. ive been a bit out of it at some points, but rare if at all. last night, i wanted to munch on stuff endlessly, but instead i chewed some gum, and really had to tell myself that it wasnt worth it. and i felt so much better doing that than i ever would have felt caving in. today, i smelled the crème de blé made everynight, only tonight it was made with a super ripe banana in it. i would have pushed a nun for a bite of it. really. but alas, i did not even take a bite.


i do doubt the scale. its a love-hate relationship i have with it. i mean it says 6 pounds loss, but it could be lots of water or something, im not convinced ive lost any real fat yet. i guess patience is key.

im am convinced however that i am not capable of following my own weight loss plan. maybe thats why ive always failed in the past. except that one time i went to the weight loss clinic. i see now that i am the type of person that needs a plan, a highly regimented and well put together plan. im finding this a million times easier than formerly trying to "watch my weight".

i think at this point, ive pretty much accepted the fact that this is a goal that will be reached. no half-assing anything. no gray areas. no fence-riding. for the first time, ive actually envisioned the goal. i just have to focus until i get there.

[stellart]

weighed myself again today. i know i know. its ridiculous. but im down to 154?? almost couldnt believe it, considering the fact that i haven't pooped since monday or tuesday. its gonna happen today though, i can feel it. (pun intended)

went grocery shopping today. got some new things to try. like yogurt. more cauliflower for those amazing mashed potatoes. im addicted.

also, put on my tightest fitting jeans, usually they are super tight when i put them on after a wash. today not so much. and now especially after a few hours, a bit too loose. i have one pair of pants that i bought a while ago on clearance that were so awesome and cheap, i was hoping one day i would fit into them. i think that day may come soon.

so i says to myself, "Self, one day at a time. persevere and just do it..."

coffee with skim milk
2 sunny side up eggs with PAM spray
some mashed cauliflower with some chili chicken
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sf werthers candy
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cucumber with light dressing
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small handful of roasted chick peas
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50 minutes on exercise bike
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can of tuna w mustard and lf mozz
1 sliced bell pepper with baba ganouj dip
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sweet treat consisting of spoonful of npb, 1/4 c. of light ricotta, splenda, square of 99% cocoa noir.
-----------------------------------
big salad of romaine, bean sprouts, cucumber, tomato, olives, mushrooms, green pepper, parm chz, and light caesar dressing
4 cubes of chicken with spicy sauce from yesterday
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another warm pb dessert
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ok so reflections on today. tonight for dinner, i really wasnt all that hungry. but i figured i should prolly eat something. so i ate a really big salad to get lots of veggies, and only ate a few pieces of chicken. and i was full to be satisfied, not unbutton my pants full. its a good feeling. to not be stuffed. its funny, eating the SBD way, i really have lost my cravings for the most part. well except when i smell something great. but if im not directly exposed to something, i dont even really think about it. so i think i need to continue practicing portion control and i should be golden.

[logmyloss.com]

Your menus look good and it looks like you are doing great so far.

By the way, great name for your journal!

[stellart]

i might as well just start with the morning weigh-in. i went up .6lbs overnight. im not going to let myself get discouraged about that.

so for today, its all about portion control. more veggies than protein ratio. also, snack should be limited to hard candies and gum rather than actual food. theres no reason to eat something when i just want the taste.

one day at a time, self, one...day...at...a...time



coffee with light soy milk
1 egg, 1 egg white, lite tofu, mushrooms, onions, broccoli, lite mozz
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a few spoonfuls of baba ganouj
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3 cubes of chicken
big salad with vegs and chickpeas, parm chz, and lite caesar
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sf hard candy
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coffee with lite soy milk
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a few spoons of light ricotta
a few mushrooms
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3 eggs peppers, onions, and salsa
mashed cauliflower

[stellart]

went to B's house on friday night. and of course didnt write anything down. so ill post saturday here. and another post for sunday, which is today. also, weighed myself on B's scale, i think 153.4, i said before same exact scale brand and model, but different scale nonetheless.

so from what i can recall:



coffee with light milk splenda
1 egg, 2 egg whites, onion, mushroom, peppers, light cheese
1 slice of turkey bacon
2 1/2 tofu breakfast sausages
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sliced green peppers
baba ganouj
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bike ride with B
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1 chicken shish kabob
sliced tomato, 3 olives
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celery sticks
natural pb
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1/2 chicken shish kabob
sliced tomato w salt and pepper, sliced lite chz, 3 olives

[stellart]

ok, so i spent all day at B's house. i weighed myself as soon as i woke in the morning.... and it said 152. im not sure how this is possible. i still dont even believe it. i keep think its some big mistake that tomorrow, ill wake up and the scale will read 161 again.

the end of the night dessert was a bit hefty, but i was feeling really hungry and i ate a big one.....

but i think im starting to feel a bit lighter, a bit less of me. i think my stomach is getting a bit flatter, i think my legs are a bit smaller. my waist more narrow, i think my face is starting to look sharper too. my cheeks look a bit less full. i still haven't accepted 100% that ive made this decision to lose weight and be fit. i still can't see the end of the road. the goal. and i think that might be a roadblock if i dont change my attitude. i need to envision my goals in order to bring them into a reality.

i will be a thin fit person. i will no longer have fat jiggling where it shouldnt be. i will be an average proportionate size. positive thinking. it may be a long road to get there, but its not like i dont have time.

my birthday was a few weeks ago, and B got me a gift card to this shopping area. he was asking what i was going to buy. i decided to hold on to it though. i think i might wait until i lose a bit more weight. there's a nice clothing store thats really my style, and id love to wait. id love to buy a nice outfit that i would never have bought in my current body.

i think B is pretty supportive. he's a bit of a blunt person, sometimes in an insensitive way, but i love him. he means well. i know he'd love to see me fit. i know he'd love to see me reach my goals for the mere fact of accomplishing something so important to me. he said today that he can tell a difference. he did "examine" me quite thoroughly this weekend.

so then today:


coffee with light milk and splenda
3 egg whites with mushrooms, onions, peppers, lite cheese
4 tofu breakfast sausages
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sugarfree blue rockstar
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1 chicken kabob
3 insides of sushi rolls (not the rice part, basically the crab, avocado, roe, cucumber)
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1/3 cup of bean salad
a few spoons of baba ganouj
big greek salad, cucumbers, tomato, mushroom, olives, 1 oz. of lite feta, lite greek dressing, a few spoons of ff plain yogurt
----------------------------------------
1 cup lite ricotta, 2 spoons of npb, 2 squares of 99% cocoa noir, 1 small pb cookie

[stellart]

so morning weigh in was on my scale and it said 154. ew. but oh well, it could be much worse. i really doubt that i "gained weight", considering the fact that i really haven't cheated at all.

this morning i decided to make the mock waffle, which was really pancakes since i dont have a waffle iron. they were really good. really quite good indeed. i put a tiny bit of sugar free orange preserves on them. im not sure if thats illegal, but it was like 20 calories and almost zero sugar. i also realized that i need to buy some v8 juice. bc after the pancakes, the last thing i wanted to do was eat some vegetables. but i ate almost a whole tomato and 3 spoons of bean salad.

sometimes i really hate mondays, bc the last thing i want to do is exercise. i really need to get the idea out of my head that exercise sucks. bc while im doing it, i dont hate it and i feel great afterwards. but for some reason, to actually get up and do it, sometimes it takes me hours. thats why i like to do it first thing in the morning. get it out of the way, no excuses.

oh yeah, and i think i might make the eggplant lasagna thing today. i love eggplant and lasagna, win win.

well, i made the eggplant lasagna...... and its pretty much the most amazing thing ive ever had. unfortunately i feel like a giant sack of potatoes considering i ate about 1/4 of it. it says makes 4-6 servings, so i suppose that would be the biggest of the serving sizes.

anyway, i just feel like being a lazy bones and eating snacks. i feel so heavy right now from everything i ate today. its like when i was cooking the lasagna, i was so hungry, that i ate some tuna. but then it was done cooking and i had to eat some of it b/c it tasted amazing.

im just not feeling content today. with food that is. like im not hungry in the least bit right now, but i just want to eat snacks and stuff. i should be getting my period in a few days, perhaps this is the reason. either way, i do not want to erase this day as a total loss, its still salvageable. i refuse to screw up the rest of my night and feel even worse about it later.

today:

coffee with lite soy milk and splenda
mock waffle recipe with bit of sf marmalade
tomato and 3 spoons of bean salad
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45 minutes on exercise bike
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cucumber with ff plain yogurt
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can of tuna with mustard, onion, and olives
1/4 of the eggplant lasagna
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glass of lite soy milk
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nsa choc fudge pop
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salad w roasted chickpeas, onion, olives and lite greek dressing
1x3 inch strip of eggplant lasagna
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ff plain yogurt, natural pb, splenda, cocoa powder dessert


i decided to make my end note at the bottom of this entry, since its really my final thoughts for the day. i wonder if wanting to be a fat pig today was the result of weighing myself this morning and seeing a higher number for the first time since i started SB. maybe i really should just put the scale away. looking over everything that i ate today prolly wasnt even that bad, and ive prolly eat much more on previous days, so why am i feeling so defeated right now?

one day at a time, self, one day at a time...

[logmyloss.com]

I feel the same way about exercise. I have had to just make myself get up and start moving and not give myself time to think about it. If I do it that way it is much easier. If I lay in bed and think about it, even for 2-3 minutes, I won't get up. That is funny too, because like you I feel better when I get the exercise in.

[stellart]

today is a new day. its a good day. i didn't even weigh myself this morning. there's no point really. but it's a good day. fresh start. i think that's a good idea. look at each day as a fresh start. not to screw up every night beforehand, but look at each day as day 1, ready to give it my all. i think it's very motivating.

so anyway, this morning i made a bean and onion cake. put it in the oven, and exercised while it was cooking. it was pretty good. definitely tasted like beans, but it was really good. i added some cumin too, that's just about my favorite spice.

also, i really really wanna stay on track perfectly for this week. i got B tix to the hockey game this friday, and i think ill feel more confident if i am extra strict this week. also, i start phase II this weekend. and i'm so excited to be able to have a drink. words can not describe it. so i guess they say you can drink wine everyday. hmmm, i wonder if i can just save up my daily servings and use them all up in one day of the week.

ive been going nuts, btw, on all the recipes on here. today i made a real cake. i basically pieced together about 3 or 4 recipes and made my own. its essentially a chocolate cheesecake with a walnut crust and an orange-sour cream frosting. all SBD and phase 1 friendly ingredients. and honestly, it came out pretty good.



coffee with lite soy and splenda
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30 minutes on the exercise bike
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2 eggs sunny side up, lite mozz cheese
1/4 of bean and onion cake
small can of v8
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salad of cucumber, onion, tomato, olives, roasted chickpeas, ff plain yogurt, and a bit of lite greek dressing
1/4 of bean and onion cake
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walked for 45 minutes
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portion of eggplant lasagna
roughly 3/4 c of roasted chickpeas
bean sprouts
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baked tilapia with soy flour, lemon, garlic, onion, mushrooms, spoonful of olive oil spread
chai tea with water, a bit of lite soy and splenda
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piece of my cake
chai tea with water, lite soy, and splenda


interesting. all i wanted to do was snack all day. ive also discovered beans give me the worst gas. i bought beano. lets hope it works. bc i really do love beans.

so most of what i ate today, (everything before the tilapia), was all before 330pm. i wasnt really hungry much today, except for breakfast really. and then the salad lunch. but after that, i just wanted to eat all day. i guess i didnt really. i mean looking at it, it doesn't seem like alot of food, but i think its because i was eating and wasnt very hungry that i feel guilty.

also, i think im getting my period soon. i think i may have mentioned this at some point. this is really the first time since starting SB that i've felt like being a fattie. i really dont want to feel like a failure, but im finding it a bit difficult. i feel so bloated, partly bc i ate too much, partly because of the beans i think. and its making me feel really fat.

i wonder whats the cause in my sudden mood change. a few days ago i was feeling great. now a total flip.