Yesterday ended up being totally nuts. DSS had Hebrew school in the morning, and then was supposed to spend an hour from 2-3 doing the part of his Bar Mitzvah studies he's doing with his mom. After that, he was going to do homework and then he was really looking forward to down time doing radio stuff with his father.
DSS's mother spent the phone time she was supposed to do Bar Mitzvah studies with him bitching about DH and not working on the studies.
Towards the end of the conversation, DSS told her he didn't agree with her about something she was saying about DH, and that he was tired of her trashing DH and looking for him to always take her side!!!! She told he she was so upset she needed to get off the phone for a little while.
DSS had a lot of homework to do, and he was actually pretty motivated to get started on school work. He wanted time after homework to do other things, and he was very upset by all of this, plus his hour of study time with his mother had passed with no work getting done, and now she wanted another hour to do the work she was supposed to have already done with him. DH told her no, DSS needed to get going on his regular homework. He had Hebrew School and a Bar Mitzvah lesson in the morning, then an hour set up to work on the part of the studies he's doing with his mom, and now it was time to do his secular school work. We asked DSS and he didn't want to talk with his mother any more, and we didn't force him to get on the phone.
DSS managed to calm down well and get working on math with me, despite his mother's repeated calls, which DH answered by saying he was no longer available. So, the ex put in an "emergency" call to DSS's therapist's answering service, who called us, talked to me briefly, and then talked to DSS. They talked for a while, mostly about his mom, as well as other upset that this all had stirred up. Then we got back to homework. Meanwhile the ex called again, and DSS did not want to talk to her. She had DH tell him that if he didn't call her back before 9:00 pm, he was no longer welcome to come to California to be with her during February school vacation!!!! Who says this to a 12 year old kid????
We talked to him about the situation and various ways of looking at it. Should he be stubborn, because he thought this was ridiculous? Should he call her and take the path of least resistence? Did he want to talk to his 24 year old sister, who's used to her mother's threats? He knows his mother can make ridiculous threats, and he seemed inclined to "test" her by not calling her...plus he just did not want to talk to her. (He knows he's going to end up going to California for the vacation...but just in case, he asked what would happen if he didn't. We told him we were just going to be in town working that week, and if he ended up here, we'd have an at home vacation and take some time off to do fun things)
He kept talking about how we don't "trash" her, but she contantly trashes DH and me. (I was pleased to hear that one, because I'm not sure I'm as good as I should be about holding my opinions of her to myself) He's tired of her putting him in the middle and of her controlling behavior. He said things about how his mom wants him to think she's perfect and his father is terrible, and that used to work when he was younger, but not any more.
She started IM'ing him around 8:00. First he turned off his computer, then he decided to respond to the IM's but still not to call.
Of course very little homework done. It killed me, because we had such a good weekend up until then, and before the call with his mother, he was in great spirits with wonderful resolve to get a lot done.
This morning he was in good shape getting up and ready for school, but I'm sure there will be emotional and behavioral fallout...and of course it's not over.
I'm pleased with his increasing self-awareness and independence from his mother. I'm glad he has a therapist who sees his mother for who she is.
But I feel so bad for him having such a nutty controlling mother.
If hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution