*~The Journey of Three~*

[three]

Hi Y'all!

I was always a very thin teen - my nickname was "Grasshopper" cause I was all arms and legs. Somewhere along the line, I started to use food as comfort and the pounds started to pack on. It started sometime after high school when I gained the freshman 15 with way too many beers and late night pizza's. At first I was told that it was healthy gain- I was becoming a woman. My breast got larger, I lost my boyish "grasshopper" figure and my hips started filling out. I was a size 4. I remember not being happy with myself but every guy on the beach loved what they saw and I thrived on the posivitive attention but inside my own head, I remember sitting on the toilet and looking down at the little tiny pouch at the bottom of my belly saying to myself "You're Fat". And so my sickness began and my weight obsession became out of control and food was the only thing that made me feel better.

I thought I was fat as a size 4 and as I went up slowly in size after I graduated high school I became more and more obsessed with eating. The worse I felt the more I ate and so the viscious cycle began. It did not help that my mother constantly critisized me for my looks and my weight.

I have gained 40 pounds since high school while all of my friends stayed the same. I used to look at them as weight obsessed but now I am seeing things a little differently. They all eat healthy with an occasional binge on the junk. I ate the junk and passed up the healthy stuff. I came to a point in my life when I was trying to convince myself that it was about acceptance and that instead of obsessing over what I just ate, I needed to accept who I was and make peace with my curves. I thought....I am the big boned one, the one that got fat early on and it will just catch up to them one day. It worked for awhile and I did start to make healthier choices because I was no longer fixated on the weight. This only lasted for so long because I was still in denial.

I have bought every diet book known to man. I have never in my life been able to stick to anything for more than two days without caving in. The sugar always called my name. Something happened recently and started getting really involved with yoga and its principles. I have finally faced the truth and am applying what I have learned to my choices. I need to be healthy and it has to start with the foods that I choose. I had to make peace with the sugar and allow the truth to penetrate. The SB flu is what got me to realize just how dependent my body is on sugar. It is an awful drug and my body was telling me so the last few days because it hit me really hard. The withdrawel nearly wiped me out but I was determined to make it thru and get past it. I finally feel better today at the end of day six- I am gonna make it. I will never go thru that kind of hell again. I am a winner! I am halfway there and I miss my cereal more than anything. I keep telling myself that if I can have my cereal and can stop gagging over these eggs, I will be happy. It is all I need. Take the cookies and cake and crap- who needs it, just give me my cereal!!

I know that I am all over the place trying to get my thoughts down in writing but it is making me feel better and if I can come here and make peace with this whole life change, I will do it. I need this. It is my therepy. One day at a time- and I have not cheated!!.....yet... I am human and I know that it will come but I have to keep telling myself the most important thing that I learned on this forum and that is to not give up- Eat it, get over it, hop back on and move on. That is the winning ticket.

The amazing thing for me is... and I am so proud of myself. I went to a party last night and it was open bar with appetizers of all kinds. Food galore and I stayed on program. I did not even think twice about it. who am I?? I do not know this person that I have become because I normally would cave. Tonight, I was at a superbowl party and I ate cut up veggies and yeah... i will admit.... full fat cheeses and I even had a little cocktail sauce with my shrimp but I remembered after a few pieces that the cocktail sauce is filled with sugar and I stopped and used lemon instead.
I left because I was hungry and I knew that I had to get home and eat something healthy - why torture myself? I did good and I feel good about it.

Tomorrow is another day and I will deal with it as it comes. I will get there... I will master this ever so slowly.

Namaste

[three]

Just wanted to add that I am a newly wed- I married the love of my life on October 1st 2005 surrounded by the colors of autumn. I have 3 majestic cats and an adorable little Shih Tzu named Casey. He is such a little mushball. I love animals.. you can judge a humans heart by his compassion for animals.

I love photography and am currently learning about photoshop. Will be enrolling in an online class soon.

My passion is yoga and as I move deeper into stillness within my personal practice, I hope to one day enrich the lives of others and become a yoga teacher one day. I am still not quite ready for the training yet. I feel that I need more classroom experience and knowledge under my belt first.

I am inspired by natures beauty. The mountains call to me and I long to be by water. I am moved by the Rockies and will be fulfilling my dream of going to the Grand Tetons this June. I heard that they are more awesome than the Rockies!!

I love to shop and used to be a fashionista but I hate the way clothes look on me now!! so....I have to settle for shoes instead. I really like to explore boutiques and quaint little towns. I live in rural upstate New Jersey amongst beautiful mountains and farmland. It is quite commen in the summer to have encounters with bear in my backyard!

[krausem]

I just read your post and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I too am a newlywed - married for the 2nd time - on Oct.22, 2005. And I have three cats and a Shih Tzu named Buzz!

How crazy is that!?

Good luck with your SB adventure. I'm brand new so I can't offer any advice.

[InChristAlone]

Hi three! Nice to meet you!

You caught my attention 'cuz we have lots in common! I also love animals- I live in a apartment so can't have too many, I'm working on getting either a cat or a dog- not sure yet. I would have a "zoo" if I could!

I also got married on October 1, 2005! Cool!

I LOVE photography- and you will love photoshop, it is so fun! You can do so many things with it.

Good job not giving in at the party last night! Doesn't it feel great to eat healthy? I too feel like a totally different person.

Sorry I rambled, lol! Good luck with the beach!

[santosha]

Hi Three!
Some kind of synchronicity popped me into your journal tonight - we have a lot in common...

I completed an eighteen month yoga teacher training last June, and then did another 3 month training this fall. I teach a few classes here and there. I can tell you this much - I never thought I was "ready" to start the training -- including the moment I actually walked in for the first day of the training. In talking with my classmates, many of us felt the same way...so, don't talk yourself out of following a dream. Of course, I don't know your situation, how long you've been studying, what your practice is like...I just can offer my experience.

There are quite a few yogis and yoginis on this board, and it's always nice to meet more!

I'd be happy to chat further anytime about yoga - I can talk about it for hours on end!

Best of luck to you - I think you'll find the people on the board are really wonderful and a great source of support.

~namaste~

[three]

I woke up with a raging headache again. When will they end? After being awake awhile, I now feel great aside from the fact that work is looming over me. Ugh.

This morning I decided to have my cereal. I have dealt with the headaches long enough. I had 1 cup of Kashi Autumn wheat with 1 cup of skim milk and will see how I do. I feel good. It is the cereal that I miss the most. Who would have thought????

Krausem- This is my second marriage also!! I would love to see a pic of your Tzu- Mine is a maniac. This is my first little dog and I think that I might be hooked. I grew up with boxers but decided after losing my last one, I would prefer a dog that would no longer knock me over or throw out my back on a walk! Besides, I love the fact that he does not shed....now if only I could figure out what to do with my white cat...LOL.

InChrist- Your are gorgeous Girl! How much are you trying to lose? I looked at your before and after pics early on. I am glad you decided to visit my journal. We are built very similiar so I am curious about your journey. I also wear lots of black and am able to hide the weight easily. I want to look good naked again...and wear a bikini!! I hope to put some pics up soon. I will stop by your journal!

Santosha- Thank you for stopping by my journal- I would love to talk with you more about yoga. I have been practicing now for a little over a year on my own. I started with tapes and just recently picked up a class and started doing alot of reading. I plan to pick up another class in the coming weeks. Yoga is really the only exercise that I do. I am really trying to grasp the principles at this point and am reading a few different books. I have started looking into the teacher training in my area and have found a good one that starts again in Sept 06. I have lots of questions for you about the training! Do you have a weight loss journal here?

[three]

So I called in sick today. Just was not feeling up to it. So I sit here thinking.... of my fears. Fear that this thing is not going to work for me. Also fearing leaving the comforts of my surroundings and facing the challenges that await me outside of my little world. I have a trip planned to Florida next week and I am afraid to go because I am afraid that I will slip up and beat myself up about.

Acceptance... this is what I am working on for the week. Accepting the fact that I am only human and that I am going to have slip ups. I cannot let my fear get in my way......

I feel better now.

[three]

OMG! Just tried spaghetti squash for the first time in my life... it is delish! I feel like I ate a pound of pasta- I am so full!

Menu for today:

B: 1 cup Kashi Autumn Wheat 7g of sugar per with 1 cup skim milk
S: String cheese and half of a cucumber
L: 3 Bean salad and a cup of Asparagus soup
S: Chocolate Bean Brownie and peanuts
D: Half of a spaghetti squash with tomato sauce and parmesan cheese


the SB Bean Brownies are pretty gross... not a big fan and I will not be making them again. Besides, I hate artificial sweetners. Yuck.

I am so happy about the spaghetti squash!!

I am thinking that I am not going to weigh myself tomorrow at the end of day 7. I cannot promise that I will not do at the end of day 14 but for now, I do not want to get myself worked up over nothing so I will stay away from the scale. I am healthier now and that is what matters. (Need to keep telling myself that.)

[santosha]

Hi Three!
I pm-ed you some stuff about my teacher training - and I see you found my journal...

Feel free to ask away with any questions!

What yoga tapes do you love? What books do you have? If I know what style of yoga you're practicing, I can recommend some books and stuff....and I always like to hear about what other people like.

[krausem]

Spaghetti squash is delicious!!! I ate so much last summer when my stepmom brought one over so next summer we're going to try to plant it in our garden. This whole diet would be easier if I had my garden going now, but February, in Ohio....I don't think so. Last year we had soooo much and it was our first year. Green beans, broccoli, tomatoes, zuchini, squash, corn.....so yummy and right there for our picking whenever we want it. I miss that!

I've had shih tzus since I was a little girl. My dad bought one for my stepmom and then gave my mom a pup and both parents have had several litters. Buzz is our only one right now and I'd like to get a female to breed just one time. My kids would enjoy it so much. Buzz is losing his puppy fur right now which is a little messy, but you are right...so little shedding. We have two white cats but they are outdoor mousers. Our indoor cat is a tiger and she hasn't shed to bad yet, but she's only 8 months old.

[three]

Hey Krause- where are you from in Ohio? We have yet another strange coincidence....my Dad's family lives in Middletown, Ohio.

Summer would definately make this diet easy- we have an awesome farmers maket here every Sunday from May thru October with a complete array of organic produce. It is fabulous. I am so looking forward to it.

Santosha- I PM'd you. Thanks for your wealth of info.

[three]

I know, I know.....I told myself that I would not weigh myself but I woke up this morning and my belly felt a little flatter and my boobs felt a little smaller so I just couldn't help myself and I hopped on the scale. Low and behold....I am down 5 lbs!!!!

I feel great and I am off to yoga class!!!

[three]

I felt really good today- no headaches- finally!!!! Took an awesome yoga class and am really tweaking my alignment doing asanas. Drank tons of water early on to try to eliminate getting up to pee five times a night.

B: 1 cup cereal with 1 cup skim milk
S: String cheese and cucumbers
L: 3 bean salad and yogurt
S: laughing cow cheese and pecans
D: Venison tacos with homemade guacomole and salsa minus the chips! and a huge salad with lowfat cilantro dressing
S: sugar free fudgecicle

I do think that I need to get more veggies in- making a mental note to try. I have been thinking about homemade chocolate chip cookies lately. I miss them so I must keep fresh in my mind how bad my detox was. It hurt like hell.

[three]

I am still on program and I feel great although I have been in and out of the grocery store a zillion times this week. I have to go back again today and I am feeling a little all over the place.

Seems that I am rushing constantly. Trying to read some of the other journals on here but have my little dog staring at me like he does for his walk.

Hopefully my yoga will not be rushed and will give me a little peace of mind today. I need to get myself back on track with exercise and get my water in early so that I am not a maniac this afternoon.

Despite my lack of mental clarity.....It is gonna be a great day! I can do this!!!!

[three]

So I am sore as hell today from the new yoga class that kicked my arse yesterday... what is up with that?? Otherwise, great day. I took my punky dog to the feed store to get him a cute new sweater since it is like 30 below here and he is a tad cold after the groomer skinned him as if it were 80 and sunny! He is happy now and thinks that it is a game whenever I try to put it on him... just adorable! I love that little Punk!

B: cereal and skim milk- ran out of milk- wasn't I PO'd! V8
S: none
L: Gazpacho, mozzy stick, celery with guacamole
S: cheese and peanuts
D: Chicken sausage patties with peppers and onions and tomato sauce and cheese, spinach salad
S: fudgecicle

I am off to the grocery store again... need to restock up!!