Two Diets...Two Big Gains
So, here I am. I swore to myself after a failed attempt with Atkins in 1999 that I would never go on a diet again. I have only dieted twice in my life. The first time was in my senior year of college and first year of graduate school. I used the Weigh to Win program, and it really worked. It taught me a lot about portion control. I went from a 24 to a 16. It took about a year to get down that far. I felt absolutely fabulous! I looked great! I walked everywhere I went. I was often hungry, but I was young (21-22) and super fabulous! Needless to say, my bf (now dh) moved in with me and disaster struck! He was a McDonald's addict, and I could stop myself. Plus, he had a car and so I stopped walking everywhere.
My second "diet" was Atkins in 1998. I lost 80 lbs in 8 months. I felt pretty bad while on Atkins. I had mood swings and weakness, and I just ddin't feel well overall. I gained it all bad with considerable interest! I couldn't eat like that forever. It was far too restrictive.
Meanwhile, I was working on a MA and then a Ph.D. Both took up considerable time and energy and my needs feel by the way side. I developed worse eating habits than ever and my grad school cronies were bad influences on my exercise habits. The stress really got to me and by the time I was half way through my Ph.D., my weight had ballooned up to 290 lbs.
Being diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) in 1998 really helped me stop beating msyelf up over failed weight loss attempts and just being altogether. PCOS hit me like a ton of bricks right after I started my period at age 11. Within a year, I had gained 35 lbs. I weighed 127.5 lbs in 6th grade! I remember this number exactly because my brother used to ride his bike around the neighborhood singing it loudly to anyone who would listen.
For those of you who don't know, PCOS is an endocrine disorder that causes obesity, skin tags, head hair loss, brown patches of skin, facial hair growth, mood disorder, annovulation, menstrual irregularities, and eventually, more than likely, heart disease and diabetes. After trying to get diagnosed for many, many years, I finally felt freed! I knew why I was the way I was. Of course, there is no cure for PCOS, so that is a problem!!! I made it my life's goal to find out as much as I could about the syndrome. I know so much about it, I could write my own book! But, alas, still no cure exists. Diabetes drugs, like metformin, are all we've got.
Without a doubt, one of the best things that happened to me during my graduate career was learning how to write about my body. By doing so, I was able to re-think how I saw my body. For years, from the media, family, friends, teachers, everyone, I was given the idea that there was something wrong with my body. I was told by these harmful messages that being fat was just so wrong.
In 2001, I took my first personal essay course and everything changed. I slowly started re-thinking how I imagined my body. I really started to love it. Within two years, I was going swimming everyday in the University pool right in front of my students...in a bathing suit....at 315 lbs!! It was so liberating and wonderful. I have never looked back. I still feel great about my body, and I didn't join WW or Jenny Craig because I was so afraid that it would damage my body image. Yeah, I got rolls, bumps, bulges, cellulite, but when I look in the mirror, I see me and I love me. How could I hate that!!
Babies (Human and Fur)
The saddest moments in my life were the losses of my babies, and I know these events radically shaped my weight issues and depression. At age 17, I gave birth to a little girl. Three and half months later, she was murdered by her father. He served on seven years in a minimum security prison.
10 years and a wonderful, new husband later, I gave birth to my son three months early. He died after living for one week. He could not be saved. I nearly died giving birth from placental abruption.
Four years later, with the help of metformin and Clomid, I conceived a third child. Unfortunately, it was ectopic and I had to take methotrexate to end the pregnancy. It was a horrible day!
About a month later, our house burned down killing our six fur babies, who had become like children to us. Two of them were hand-raised from three hours old. That was last Christmas. I cycled into severe anxiety and then into an even more severe depression that I am just now coming out of.
[Update: Six weeks after going on the Beach, I got pregnant. I got my bfp about six weeks after that only to discover that it was a blighted ovum. After going through most of a long, natural miscarriage, I ended up having to have a d&c. Although it makes me very sad to have lost the baby, it does give me hope that I can get pregnant again.]
Living For Today...Hoping for Tomorrow
So, here I am at the start of 2006. Having had a recent quite serious bout of depression that started to impact my marriage, I realized that I needed to do something and do something quick! I started SB on Jan. 6. So far, I have lost 13 lbs in three days. I must do this. I want to do this. I want to have a baby. I want to reduce my PCOS symptoms. I want to go off most of my meds. I want to feel good and energetic.
[Update: In Spring 2007, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. We had been together for more than 10 years. The strain of all we have been through and other factors contributed to this sad situation.]
UPDATE: South Beach and metformin helped me get pregnant. I know have a wonderful 20 month old child! He is the best thing in my life. I am re-married and happier than I have ever been. I lost a totally of 100 lbs on the beach in about two years. The fertility drugs and pregnancy really made me gain, but I managed to lose 60 lbs of that weight by watching calories. It didn't last long, though, and I have gained about ten pounds back. Here I am on the Beach again struggling, but I will keep on trying. One day at time.
Read along with me and help me on my journey!
Last edited by Smurlene
on Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:51 am, edited 4 times in total.
Goals: better health and longevity
started SB: 1/06/06
re-started SB: 1/02/13
285 / 280
Goal #1: 275 by 1/28/13My PCOS and Fertility Journal