"Good Enough" Never Is

[ShyBaby]

Here I am, stripped of all my dignity and with little feeling of self-worth. I am going to use this journal to share my thoughts and actions as I struggle to create the life I once knew...the life I want to live.

I find myself in a deep hole and I have to dig myself out. I've spent turned to food and spending to fill the void of a ruined marriage. I'm now broke, obese, and unhappy. I want nothing more than to find the inner peace I once had, and I know the answers are within. THE WORST LONLINESS IS NOT TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF. And that's where I've landed. I hang my head in shame at the life I've created for myself, but I know that I also have the strength to change my life around.

I will be writing a lot here the next few days, "pouring out my soul" (call it my own confessional sounding board). I need to get my feelings out and I know I'm probably not the only one feeling this way. I only hope that by sharing my thoughts, others who feel the same won't feel so lonely in their struggles.

This is all much more than just a "diet" for me. It's about making positive, healthy choices and about being PROACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE. I want to start feeling better about myself and it encompasses so much more than just weight loss. I put the weight on when I stopped respecting myself. I know realize that I need to take care of myself first in order to be helpful to others, especially my daughter.

[ShyBaby]

I know that a reason for the problems I'm facing (with myself) is the finacial struggles I'm going through. I'm quickly falling further behind in my bills and it's a snowball effect. The worse things get for me the worse I feel, the more stressed I get, and the more hopeless I feel. I've made a decision today to ask for help, as humiliating as it is. I know that once I do, I can put behind me a lot of stress which is eating me away. It's such a hard call for me to make, but there is no way I can move forward with this black cloud hanging over my head.

[sunnyclaus]

Hi ShyBaby....

I just wanted to commend you. I believe it takes a lot of strength to look in the mirror and admit where we have failed ourselves...it takes even more strength to commit to doing something about it. I can't imagine what it must be like to feel how you do. I have heard it said that the world's greatest compliment is for someone to say "I do" and that the world's greatest insult is for someone to say "I don't anymore". And saying this, I want to congratulate you for taking back your personal power and saying to yourself, that you "do" and will "continue to" because you "are worth it" and because your "daughter is worth it".

Thank you for reminding me that this is what SBD is all about. It is about taking ownership of ourselves and saying "I do".

Warmest Regards.

[ShyBaby]

Here’s my story:
I am 34 years old. I have a 7 year old daughter. 5 ½ years ago I found out that my (now ex) husband was having affairs…not a couple, but a lot – and had been the entire time we were together. I kicked him out and to this day he’s never explained why, nor do I need to know. I knew I could never trust him again.

At the time our daughter was not quite 2, and we had custody of his son from a previous relationship (who was 9 at the time). My ex moved out that day and never looked back. He gave me full custody of our daughter and his son went back to his mother. My ex has very little contact with our daughter – his choice. He is always “busy working” (he sees her about twice a year, and until last year she had never spent the night by him). I’ve raised her on my own and although she misses her dad and brother, she doesn’t remember when they lived with us. We really are each other’s worlds.

The divorce was a shock but in a way I was happy. My ex was a very controlling man and very self-centered. Everything was about him and his happiness. He chose our friends, how we spent our money, and told me how to live my life. I was raised to believe you put your marriage first, so I did; in the process all I did was compromise myself. I took care of the kids, took care of the house, and he basically did what he wanted.

When he moved out he left me with all the burden, especially financially. He was court ordered to pay 50% of our debts (which he had racked up quite a bit) but to this day I’ve never seen a penny of it. Child support has been very hit & miss as he’s learned to “work” the system.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m trying to explain what my life has been like the last several years. I’ve worked damn hard to get where I’m at; last summer I bought my first house. That was a major accomplishment for me. It’s a small place, and my mortgage is the same as what my rent was, so financially it was a good decision for me. But between being a homeowner, a single mom (who takes her role as a parent very seriously) and working full time, I have little time for “me”. Exercise, healthy eating and emotional stimulation have been basically non existent.

I was never a heavy child or teen. In fact, I remember being 118 lbs. at the age of 18 (I’m 5’6”). Between college and all that comes with being a young adult, the weight slowly started creeping up. I remember being 135 lbs. and although I considered myself “fat”, I realized that men still treated me the same and still found me attractive. I started to worry less about my weight and just enjoyed life. I waitressed for several years and fell into the habit of eating full meals (along with having a cocktail or two) after work at night – usually after midnight. Next thing I knew I was in my 140’s and really started to feel bad about my weight. Course now I’d kill to be that weight again, but that’s a whole other story.

I met my ex and after a few years we were married. When I got pregnant I was 165 and felt huge. When I gave birth I was 180 but the weight quickly came off and I was back into the 160’s. I didn’t like the way I looked, but by then I was full swing into the wife-mother role and just lived with it.

Fast forward to the divorce: most people lose weight thru a divorce but never being one to follow the crowd, I gained. I’m a binge-stress-eater. Eating fills a void, just as shopping does. Or should I say, it’s a temporary band-aid that festers into a larger wound with each bite and each dollar spent.

A year or two after the divorce things were finally starting to fall into place. I changed jobs and found one I love; my daughter and I moved out of my parent’s house and got our own apartment. I started reading a lot of great books which really helped change my perspective – temporarily. Cheryl Richardson’s books were great and really made me realize there was a great big world out there filled with endless possibilities. For the first time I was really able to live my own life – my way. Suzy Orman’s books helped me refocus my spending habits and educated me on finances. I started losing weight because I was happy; it was a true inner peace that I had never felt before. Around that time I started losing weight and really caring about myself and was just under 150 lbs. I carry my weight very well (thank goodness!) and looked great. Most importantly I felt great!

I’m not sure what happened after that…I think life just started to overwhelm me. Suddenly, here I am, lingering in the lower 190’s. How did this happen?!?!? Age, poor eating choices, depression, and the absence of all physical activity.

So here I am today, wishing I had never let that “inner peace” escape me. I want that feeling back again. And it wasn’t even the weight, although that’s a big part of it. I just felt so content with everything and so optimistic. I have to find that in me again.

I can’t believe anyone would still be reading my ramblings, but if you are, bless you!

So where do I go from here? How do I get to where I want to be? My ultimate goal is to be healthy, self-confident and financially stable. I know that all of this ties together so I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. Ideally I’d like to be back in the 130’s – 140’s at the most. I want to be physically active every day. I want to be able to do the things I enjoy for myself, like crafts and reading. I know that I need to start being selfish and make time to do the things I need to do.

1) I need to make every effort to regain financial stability in my life. I need to stop the snowball effect that falling behind with bills creates.
2) I need to make healthy eating decisions each and every day, no exceptions. No more fast food and no more binging.
3) I need to get on that treadmill every day, no matter what. Even for 10 minutes at a time – anything is better than nothing.
4) I need to take time each day to read at least a few pages. Call it a “refresher” course – I need to find that inner peace again.

“Whether you believe you can do anything or not, you are right.”

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

“How I see myself is more important than how others see me.”

“Long-lasting change starts on the inside.”

[ShyBaby]

Sunnyclaus, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. Sometimes I feel so alone in this struggle and it's great to know there are others out there who offer their support.

One day at a time...we can do this.

[ShyBaby]

Another day, another battle. I actually felt pretty good after baring my soul yesterday in my online journal. Although I feel totally overwhelmed yet, I feel like there is hope again.

I went home last night and spent time in the kitchen - that's a big deal for me since I'm not much of a cook. But like gardening, I've found that even though I never thought I would, I do enjoy it. I prepared a big batch of Southwestern Chicken Stir-Fry and made green beans with sunflower seeds. Then it was off to Canine Manners Class (for my dogs, not me!). When I got home I was tired and hungry so I heated up the chicken and made 2 whole wheat wraps with it...Yummy! Too bad I got a major sugar craving during the night and ate half a bag of chocolate wafers (for melting/baking). I'm sure suffering for it today.

But today is another day. I brought my 64 oz. water mug to work and for breakfast I'm having Kashi with fresh blueberries & skim milk. That will get me through the morning.

[ShyBaby]

In an effort to de-clutter my life a little (my 2 bedroom house is less than 1,000 square feet)...okay, I'm de-cluttering a lot...my mom & I are having a rummage sale. The last few weeks I've been hauling things up from the basement and "weeding out" my daughter's room. Tomorrow is the big sale and I'm not nearly prepared enough (haven't even started pricing things) but I am trying not to stress over it. Although I won't have time to put out everything I want, I'll be able to get rid of a good chunk which really helps. I like to be highly organized and with so much clutter that's hard to do. I can finally find things in the basement again, and my Christmas decorations are finally put away!

I am not expecting to make a lot, I just want to get rid of things. If it were up to me I'd just haul it all to Goodwill but mom convinced me to try and make a little extra cash. I'm letting my daughter keep the $ from her things that sell - some say that's crazy but it's a great incentive to get her to part with her possessions. Her birthday is in December and she has a total of 12 grandparents/great grandparents so you can imagine how much she has that she doesn't use! Everything we don't sell will be donated immediately.

I'm hoping that next year I will have to have another sale to get rid of all my "fat" clothes; I've never been able to part with most of my skinny clothes and now doesn't seem like the time to do it. Because I WILL be back in those clothes.

My new pair of size 16 jeans I recently bought are now falling off of me so those will definately be sold. I'm not going back there again!

I'll be glad when the sale is over tomorrow so I can walk through my living room again. LOL

[audreyh1]

Wow - Shybaby - I was drawn by your title "Good Enough never is".

That is a very powerful thing to realize that some people will hold "being good enough" over you as a way to control you, and yes, they will never let you know that you are good enough because then they lose control. It's wicked, but instinctive in some type of people to do that without even realizing how unfair and devastating it is. Well maybe - because I'm sure they ultimately think the same thing about themselves, that's why they have to control other people. And so many of us internalize this message and beat ourselves up and try to "earn" approval and think when it's withheld, that there is something wrong with us.

Well, the point is, that we all have to realize WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH ALREADY no matter what anybody else says. Once you choose to believe that, in spite of all your doubts or of the belittlings of people around you, you take back control of your life and you make room for true happiness and are able to thrive.

Congrats on getting yourself out of a bad marriage. That was a critical step in taking back your life.

I've just skimmed your journal so far, and can tell there are several of my favorite themes - I'll have to read in more detail.

I think it's fabulous that your daughter gets to keep the $$ from selling her stuff. I think that is a terrific lesson. That there are rewards for letting go of stuff. It might be good for her to experience gifting too - to a worthy cause. Like giving toys at a children's hospital or something.

Here is a link to my decluttering adventure - you might enjoy this wishcraft forum and in particular this decluttering thread. I'm starting you in the middle where I joined the thread and I started using it as my personal decluttering journal:
http://www.barbarasher.com/boards/viewt ... &start=150

Audrey

[ShyBaby]

Thanks Audrey! I love the thread you posted...I can really relate! De-cluttering for me is a release, like removing a weight from my shoulders. But it's so much work to get it done and it never really feels finished, so in a way the weight is always there.

I have taught my daughter about donating to good causes and in the past that's what we've always done with our "excess". This will be our first adventure in selling..wish us luck, we're going to need it!

[Pa'dow!]

ShyBaby ...

Good for you ... you're taking control and that's important. I think you're very smart and have great goals ... and it sounds like you're doing a bang- up job as a mother. You need to be complimented on that! Realize these great qualities about yourself!

One day at a time .... you're doing great!

[Marie324]

Hey Shybaby,

I read through your journal, and I just want you to know that despite the hardships you've endured, you still have an incredible outlook on life, and I admire you for that. This is an incredibly supportive board, and I know you will get through your temporary setbacks. Your perseverance shines through in your writing - and I'm sure everything in your life will begin falling into place in no time.

Hang in there.
~Marie

[ShyBaby]

Thank you both for your kind words and encoragement. Sometimes I wish I had as much faith in my abilities as you seem to have! One day at a time, I know....

Our rummage sale was somewhat of a success this weekend. Of course it depends on your definition of success; I didn't make a ton of cash but that wasn't the goal (although it would've been nice). I did liquidate A LOT of clutter from my house which is success in my book. It's silly how something as simple as getting rid of unused objects can feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

And speaking of weight...it definately wasn't a SBD friendly weekend, nor did I expect it to be. The community I grew up in had their annual fireman's picnic which is basically 3 days of beer, brats, and friends. I did very well considering, but still consumed way too many "bad" foods/drinks.

Yesterday afternoon I left the picnic to go home to my air conditioned house. 100F temps and cold beer are a dangerous combination, so I decided to be a good girl instead. I grabbed some ripe veggies from my garden and made a delicious, refreshing pasta salad with fresh zucchini, tomato & cucumber. I baked a "breakfast quiche" to each this week - I used zucchini & fresh spinach in the quiche. It felt great to have some foods I actually wanted to eat sitting in the fridge this morning. I hope to make a few more things tonight to carry me through the rest of the week. Because I'm on a mission and there's no stopping me now! It's the first day of a new month AND a Monday...what better day to turn over a new leaf and really "stick to my guns"!

I think I can, I think I can...

[Pa'dow!]

See what I'm saying? You ARE smart! I love your look on today, August 1st ... the first day of the month AND a Monday! That's awesome!

Hey, more power to you for just having the rummage sale .. I'm thinking of spending money to get a dumpster! How'd your daughter do?

That's great that you were able to make some food ahead. As I packed lunch today, I realized there will be slim pickins for tomorrow. I may have to make a grocery run, but my cookbook was delivered today ... so I'm in a big hurry to get home to get it! THEN, maybe the grocery store.

You know you can, you know you can ...

[ShyBaby]

Thanks!! I actually have a small grocery list here at work on my desk because I know I'll need to pick up a few things to get me through the week too. Plus it's blazing hot again today so I need to make "cool" foods, not the usual standby: soup.

My daughter did great with the rummage sale. She actaully kept busy most of the time playing with her cousins (big thanks to my sister for getting her "out of the way" for most of it). She saw kids buy her things and didn't freak out which made my heart burst with pride ("I guess I am doing a good job raising her...") She made $75 which I thought was great for a 7 year old. She's saving it for an American Girl doll (which I refuse to buy for her). She'll be in 2nd grade next month so she could outgrow the doll phase soon.

I need to pick something delicious to make for dinner tonight so I won't be tempted to "night binge" which has been a real problem for me lately...

[Pa'dow!]

Wow! $75 for a 7 year old is a huge amount of money! That's terrific.

Oh, I don't know. My step-daughter is 11 and even though I don't see her playing with bigger dolls (her American Girl doll is at her mom's house), she plays with Barbies and Bratz dolls a lot! It certainly will be more special if she purchases it on her own. I'm not sure how much the accessories run, but at least you and relatives would have great options for birthday and Christmas (if you celebrate Christmas) presents.

My "night binge" is more or less an "at home binge." I noticed that Friday night. I must have been in the habit of coming home and finding food right away ... my big thing is cheese and crackers! Luckily I can have some cheese ... I love cheeeeeese! ... but I'll have to wait on the crackers.

Have a good night!