I am starting this journal, nearing the end of phase 1, to keep myself writing about my daily menu through phase 2.
*edited* (I saw that other people's diaries had more in the way of history, so here goes.)
My history with this struggle began when I was three years old. I experienced a trauma. A stranger hurt me, and was not prosecuted for it, but being too young to really know how to deal with it I looked to my wonderful (and at the time completely idealized and can-do-no-wrong) mother to see how she coped with things when she was upset. She was an emotional eater who ate food without any reference to hunger in order to deal with anything emotional. So, a month after the incident my mom found me hiding under my grandma's kitchen table with my face, hands, and entire body covered in a large chocolate cake, meant for the family's dessert, that I had been secretly stuffing into my mouth. Around this time, my dad started in with a constant barrage of "fat" comments. Yes, I was three and no, I was not fat (despite the cake incident), but that did not stop him from telling me I was fat and disgusting basically through college (at which point I told him if he wanted to have any relationship with me he would have to accept me for who I am, which he did). That was how my dad dealt with things, and still does. He is basically a control freak, and since he couldn't control his own three-year-old's life (by protecting me from the bad things that happen in the world), he took it out on me with respect to something he thought he could control--namely, shaming me into being stick thin. But it really didn't work. When I was fourteen, I was anorexic, and he was still calling me fat. In reality, I did not get "fat" until after I went on a "heard it through the grapevine" version of Atkins later on in high school (i.e. all you can eat fats, cheese, eggs and meat), expanded my stomach's capacity for food beyond human levels, and then inevitably went for high sugar carbs but still ate the same amount of (now any kind of) food.
After college, into grad school, I went on the SB diet, lost about 70 lbs. and maintained that loss for almost 2 years. But I wasn't happy--the diet was a big struggle. Even though I enjoyed the food, I was constantly binging on it and then feeling guilty and depressed about overdoing it. At the time I already had (and still have) the best husband in the world (the complete opposite of my dad -- when I was 270, and crying and saying "I'm so ugly, I'm so fat", he said "look in the mirror--you are beautiful"), a challenging, exciting job, basically the life I had always wanted, but I never stopped to deal with the mental reasons for my chronic overeating. I decided that if I was ever going to get my eating under control, I was going to have to deal with the mental issues (the cause) before tackling the weight issue (the effect). From 2008 until early 2010, I gained back my 70 lbs. and finally learned that weight is just weight, food is just food, and (as someone on here put it eloquently) if hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution. I stopped binge eating, then stopped eating as much crappy food, and then started to exercise. Doing that, I got down from 268 to 248 and was then ready to re-learn this lifestyle--with a primed mindset--in order to live it forever.
Phase 1 has been delicious, but I have realized that Phase 2 is where I was having the issues my last time around, and I want to keep myself accountable by confronting my daily menus and making sure I'm not using food for anything other than healthfully satisfying physical hunger ever again. So, here goes. My guidelines for my 3 meals and 3 snacks are these:
2-3 oz. lean protein at every meal.
1 cup of veggies at every meal and 1/2 cup veggies at snacks.
1/3-1/2 cup beans at least once daily.
2 oz. of LF/FF cheese at a time, up to 3 times daily.
1 oz. healthy fat with dinner and lunch (at least).
2 cups dairy daily.
1 serving nuts (optional).
100 calories of sweet treats (with my sweet tooth, I'll call this necessary).
Trying to make my snacks veggies and protein (1 oz).
For Phase 2, add:
Week 1: 1 fruit daily
Week 2: 1 fruit and 1 grain daily
Week 3: 2 fruits and 1 grain daily
Week 4: 2 fruits and 2 grains daily
I am looking forward to making this a normal, ingrained habit so that I don't have to think about it all the time and can, finally, put food in its place!
Last edited by amalfi_girl
on Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:33 pm, edited 4 times in total.
5'11"/30 yr. old
START: 268 (1/1/10)
First Goal: 214 (no longer "Obese"!)
Second Goal: 205 (wedding weight!!)
Ultimate Goal: 190's (dream of all dreams!!!)http://eatrunhavefun.blogspot.com/