It has been a couple of years since I've been here. Maybe some of you remember me? I certainly remember a lot of you! I was very successful on SBD approx. 3 years ago when I lost 67 lbs in only 6 months! And I kept it up for a whole year, was doing great, and then enjoyed life, until 15 months ago, when my husband and I were exploring some caverns here in north Florida, and I hurt my back, horribly. I had been having issues with bulging discs from 2002, when I initially hurt myself using a pickaxe to dig stumps out of the yard. I endured on/off episodes where I'd have terrible lower back pain which put me down for a couple of days. As the years passed, those couple of days turned into several days, and then eventually, I noticed that it was taking maybe 2 weeks or longer to heal. And then we went to the caverns on vacation, and that was the end of my life as I knew it.
If any of you recall, 3 years ago, I also had an amazing gift of sight; I was born legally blind and developed catarcts at 38, and had the most amazing eye surgery and my life changed for the better! I could actually see, and I had my teeth fixed, and lost all that weight, and then I hurt myself in the caverns. I feel like my life has been taken from me, and what a shame, since I was doing so great!
To speed up a long story, what it all boils down to is that now I need a Multi-Level Spinal Fusion in my lumbar (lower) region. Two of my discs in my back have torn open so badly in that cavern that my body could not heal itself any more. And when those discs tore open, more of the gel-like cushioning substance in them has leaked out. It causes horrible disabling pain. For the past 15 months I have went from a vivacious young woman at 165 lbs (5' 4"), to a depressed and suicidal miserable woman who now weighs 211.2 lbs.
Because I have not been able to do a lot in the past 15 months, I have sat around and got more and more depressed. Although I had amazing eye surgery, I am still legally blind and cannot drive, so I'm stuck at home all day, all alone, only my husband and mother to help me. Believe me, this board helped me so much more before---the support I got here is what I really need it. And friends, I am really going to need your support now more than ever.
I'm depressed and on all kinds of meds now. I used to only take birth control pills and the occassional lortab for pain. Now I take an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety drug, 2 different types of blood pressure meds twice a day (my bp has been very high for months now!), Neurontin for nerve pain, Ambien to sleep, Elavil, and now some serious pain narcotics. I have had to install handrails to use the toilet, and sometimes I have to use a walker. I've had to buy bed risers to the bed and the couch. Standing to cook dinner causes sciatica down my legs and so now a lot of the time I have to wheel myself around on an office chair in the kitchen, which makes cooking difficult and dangerous.
I've lost most of the muscle strength in my legs, so when I squat down, it is sometimes impossible for me to stand back up. (If anyone has some advice on exercises I could do-maybe using my walker-to strengthen my leg muscles, please PM me). When I did SBD before, I never exercises, so I know I can lost this weight again just by sitting around, which is unfortunately what I have to do most of the day now. No more yardwork for me. Going up and down the 4 steps into/out of my house is hard.
Anyhow, to have the multi level spinal fusion, the surgeons will have to go in through my belly AND my back at the same time in order to put in all the hardware and cages I'll need for the fusion. I do not know when I plan to have this surgery yet; the surgeons have advised me to try to wait, but I'm in such worse pain now I have decided it is time to DO SOMETHING. And before I can have surgery, I need to lose this weight. I will have to be fitted for a custom made body full torso body brace, which runs from the hips to my chest, and I'll have to wear it for nearly a year. So it is IMPERATIVE that I lose this weight. Can you guys please support me? Offer me encouragement when I need it? Cause it's gonna be a long hard road.
I broke down the other night and considered suicide. I could easily swallow a bottle of any of these meds I am on and just get it over with. Because not only am *I* miserable, so I'm making my husband miserable. All the grunting and crying I do from the pain. And it's breaking my mother's heart, and it's breaking mine to see her cry. And so I thought about it...... I really did. And then it occurred to me like a ray of hope: I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO CONTROL THE PAIN MY BODY IS CAUSING ME, BUT DAMMIT I CAN CONTROL THE FOOD I PUT INTO MY MOUTH! If I don't have control of something in my life right now at this point I am at, then I am gonna snap. So I really am going to need you guys' help!!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I feel a little better just starting Day 1 today, a feeling like there IS hope still, and maybe I can regain some control over my life and have this scary surgery and maybe be a little less pain free. You don't know what it's like to live in disabling pain every day like this, to have it wake you up, to make you so miserable; it's no wonder to me now why you read about some people who commit suicide because they couldn't live with the pain anymore.
Thank you, everyone. ~Molly
Wow, this is a dream come true!