Thank you Sharley for the "bump". I really needed that. I am so sorry I haven't been around lately. I am mortified because I have been horrible. I should be so thankful because my son is home from the hospital and doing well for him. I feel so unhealthy right now because literally for over the past 3 months I haven't slept for 3 hours in a row until the last 2 nights. For awhile there, I was lucky to be getting an hour. I was pretty miserable. It is not fair that my son, along with all of those precious little kids in the ICU should have deal with so much. They are so innocent and sweet. It was especially hard during the holiday season because they should have been home, waiting for Santa and going to Christmas parties. Sorry for venting. I have been getting a little more sleep, thank goodness but, when I do sleep, though, I feel guilty because I should be changing my son or checking his blood sugar or giving him a respiratory treatment. I am so tired and that makes me crave all of the wrong things. I also feel sorry for myself because I can't be social so I eat instead, which inhibits me even more from being social. Everyone says that I look good for being under so much stress but I really don't feel very good. I know that I need to be healthier and happier in order to take care of the kids. My husband says to let him get up but if I hear him, I want to get up. I keep thinking that the one time I don't get up, something will happen and I will feel so guilty. Once I take care of my son, I can't fall back to sleep because I worry about things. When he was in the hospital I was exhausted and having chest pains but that has gotten better due to a little more sleep. The pains are a sign that I need to be "good". I really have no choice. I felt like I couldn't breath because I couldn't imagine what the world would be like without my son but I also have such guilt because I am so tired and I don't see his health problems resolving anytime soon and it makes me angry. He is the one struggling to breath and in chronic pain and he is always doing his best to smile and play. It has been a really intense six years and I need to start living instead of holding my breath waiting to see what is going to happen to him. Again, I have to tell everyone that my son gets all of his nutrition through a tube and he is one of the happiest people that I know. Why can't I learn from him?
He amazes me every single day and literally takes my breath away with the smallest accomplishments.
My New Year's resolution is to try again and at least get through phase 1 for 14 days. Once I get through it, I know that I can do phase 2. I really need to complete it this time. I know that I will feel less tired and stressed if I cut out the sugar. If I can get the extra weight off, I can wake up a little happier each day and have more energy for the kids and my husband. I turn 40 on March 17 and I really want to feel good and to go out dancing with a cute shirt and new jeans so I need to change starting right now. I keep thinking that I will really "start" when I whatever stressful event I am experiencing is over but, there is always going to be a stressful event, especially with 4 kids, one with special needs. I am drinking a pepsi now and going to savor it and say that it is my last one for at least the next 14 days. It really doesn't even taste good to me. I just think for some reason it is going to make me feel good but I am kidding myself. I can't wait to feel good and be forty.
Thank you to all of those that keep doing so well and that stay so strong. You all are so motivating. I want to be there one day!
Ugghhhh! I needed to change my starting weight.