Putting food in its place

[amalfi_girl]

Hello all,

I am starting this journal, nearing the end of phase 1, to keep myself writing about my daily menu through phase 2.

*edited* (I saw that other people's diaries had more in the way of history, so here goes.)

My history with this struggle began when I was three years old. I experienced a trauma. A stranger hurt me, and was not prosecuted for it, but being too young to really know how to deal with it I looked to my wonderful (and at the time completely idealized and can-do-no-wrong) mother to see how she coped with things when she was upset. She was an emotional eater who ate food without any reference to hunger in order to deal with anything emotional. So, a month after the incident my mom found me hiding under my grandma's kitchen table with my face, hands, and entire body covered in a large chocolate cake, meant for the family's dessert, that I had been secretly stuffing into my mouth. Around this time, my dad started in with a constant barrage of "fat" comments. Yes, I was three and no, I was not fat (despite the cake incident), but that did not stop him from telling me I was fat and disgusting basically through college (at which point I told him if he wanted to have any relationship with me he would have to accept me for who I am, which he did). That was how my dad dealt with things, and still does. He is basically a control freak, and since he couldn't control his own three-year-old's life (by protecting me from the bad things that happen in the world), he took it out on me with respect to something he thought he could control--namely, shaming me into being stick thin. But it really didn't work. When I was fourteen, I was anorexic, and he was still calling me fat. In reality, I did not get "fat" until after I went on a "heard it through the grapevine" version of Atkins later on in high school (i.e. all you can eat fats, cheese, eggs and meat), expanded my stomach's capacity for food beyond human levels, and then inevitably went for high sugar carbs but still ate the same amount of (now any kind of) food.

After college, into grad school, I went on the SB diet, lost about 70 lbs. and maintained that loss for almost 2 years. But I wasn't happy--the diet was a big struggle. Even though I enjoyed the food, I was constantly binging on it and then feeling guilty and depressed about overdoing it. At the time I already had (and still have) the best husband in the world (the complete opposite of my dad -- when I was 270, and crying and saying "I'm so ugly, I'm so fat", he said "look in the mirror--you are beautiful"), a challenging, exciting job, basically the life I had always wanted, but I never stopped to deal with the mental reasons for my chronic overeating. I decided that if I was ever going to get my eating under control, I was going to have to deal with the mental issues (the cause) before tackling the weight issue (the effect). From 2008 until early 2010, I gained back my 70 lbs. and finally learned that weight is just weight, food is just food, and (as someone on here put it eloquently) if hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution. I stopped binge eating, then stopped eating as much crappy food, and then started to exercise. Doing that, I got down from 268 to 248 and was then ready to re-learn this lifestyle--with a primed mindset--in order to live it forever.

Phase 1 has been delicious, but I have realized that Phase 2 is where I was having the issues my last time around, and I want to keep myself accountable by confronting my daily menus and making sure I'm not using food for anything other than healthfully satisfying physical hunger ever again. So, here goes. My guidelines for my 3 meals and 3 snacks are these:

2-3 oz. lean protein at every meal.
1 cup of veggies at every meal and 1/2 cup veggies at snacks.
1/3-1/2 cup beans at least once daily.
2 oz. of LF/FF cheese at a time, up to 3 times daily.
1 oz. healthy fat with dinner and lunch (at least).
2 cups dairy daily.
1 serving nuts (optional).
100 calories of sweet treats (with my sweet tooth, I'll call this necessary).
Trying to make my snacks veggies and protein (1 oz).

For Phase 2, add:
Week 1: 1 fruit daily
Week 2: 1 fruit and 1 grain daily
Week 3: 2 fruits and 1 grain daily
Week 4: 2 fruits and 2 grains daily

I am looking forward to making this a normal, ingrained habit so that I don't have to think about it all the time and can, finally, put food in its place!

[amalfi_girl]

Today has been good for me. Here is my menu:

B: eggbeaters with spinach, orange bell pepper, 2 slices turkey bacon and 1 laughing cow cheese wedge; iced coffee with skim milk and splenda
S: sliced bell pepper with 2 tbsp. hummus and 1 baby bell lite cheese
L: large salad with lamb gyro meat, grilled onions, 1 tbsp. feta and 1 tbsp. tatziki sauce
S: vegetarian chili with added raw bell peppers, 1/2 SF hot cocoa with decaf coffee and skim milk
D: Grilled shrimp, zuccini, mushrooms and 2 tbsp. SB-friendly teriyaki sauce
Des.: home made pumpkin cheesecake cupcake

20 minutes on the stationary bike

It does not cross my mind that this "diet" can "fail." This isn't some metabo-fast where you eat nothing for two weeks and you can't wait to get away from it so that you can binge on ridiculous junk. This is just eating, and I'm trying to do it well considering it goes on multiple times a day every day. I can't fail on this because it is a learning process. For instance, I can see that, even though I was trying to limit my cheese, I'm still eating an awful lot of it. I love cheese in my omelet in the morning, but I don't necessarily need it as a snack (wouldn't miss it there). So, today I learned how I can keep what I like and get rid of what I won't miss. My last time on SB, I never felt that way. Any time I did anything that I didn't consider picture perfect, I took it as an opportunity to berate myself, feel depressed and cry. It seems so crazy to me now. I am so glad that I took the time and made the effort to figure out my binge-diet-binge cycle before coming back to the beach.

I forgot to post my goals in my first post, so here they are:

Normalize my relationship with food
Use food only to satisfy hunger (enjoyably) and nourish my body, not to solve other problems it cannot possibly fix
Get to and maintain a comfortable, healthy weight for the rest of my life
Live like my husband does (easily!)

[Barbgetshealthy]

Looking forwarding to following your journey.

[amalfi_girl]

Thank you, Barbara!

[amalfi_girl]

Tomorrow is my last day of Phase 1. It took almost that entire time, and reading the amazing, helpful posts on this forum, to really see that this diet completely fits with my overarching goal of normalizing the role of food in my life. SB is not about losing weight but is rather about learning how to have a healthy relationship with the food that will make me as healthy as I can be. This is such a huge difference compared to the last time I was on SB, where I was completely obsessed with the scale and was never happy with any loss because it was never enough. Now I'm seeing that because I started in with compulsive eating when I was just 3 (a learned "coping skill" I picked up from observing my mother), I never learned how to segregate my emotions from food and hunger. Now I'm well on my way (after 2 years of trying to break those compulsive eating habits and now 2 weeks of reading the posts on here and having all that I learned re-affirmed) to learning how to deal with things (without using food) and learning how to eat healthfully. Here is my day:

B: eggbeater omelet with 1 laughing cow wedge, red bell pepper and 2 slices turkey bacon; large decaf iced coffee with 1 cup skim milk
S: 1/2 can of tuna with whole grain mustard and 1 T soy mayo, sliced red bell pepper
L: salad with lamb gyro, 1 T tatziki (the restaurant put the oil and vinegar on the salad and not on the side, so I just tried to drain it as best I could. )
S: large caffinated iced coffee with 1 cup skim milk and 4 splenda (feel a little sick from lunch--must have been too much oil)
S: other half of can of tuna with sliced red bell pepper
D: 1 cup vegetarian chili, 1 mini SB cheesecake
Des.: Mocha ricotta creme

20 minutes on stationary bike

[amalfi_girl]

Last day on Phase 1!!!!!

I am so happy. I have loved this WOE the whole time, just really enjoying the kinds of food we get to eat, cooking more, and feeling better. It doesn't hurt that I lost 4 lbs (10% of goal), either. (I'm changing my goal to 205, because that is the lowest weight I've ever maintained in my life and it looks good on my nearly-6-foot-frame, so there!).

Here is my day:

B: egg beaters omelet w/spinach and diced yellow pepper, 2 slices turkey bacon, 1 laughing cow wedge
S: 2 teasp. PB and large iced coffee with skim milk
L: greek chicken salad w/2 T oil and vinegar dressing, 2 T feta, 1 SB mini-cheesecake
S: plain FF greek yogurt w/NSA cocoa; cherry tomatos and raw broccoli w/1 T ranch
D: 1 cup vegetarian chili; still hungry so had large salad with 1 T feta, 1 T oil and vinegar and 2 pieces of lamb gyro
Des.: 2 fudgcicles and 1 T FF cool whip

15 min. on stationary bike, 15 min. of circuit weight training

[amalfi_girl]

So it is day 1 on Phase 2 and I am very unprepared! I didn't pick up my blueberries, so I'll have to pick them up at the store on my way home tonight and have them as dessert with dinner, or with a smoothie later in the evening (that is actually my new plan, now that I see it in writing. Love smoothies for dessert!!). Here is my plan for the first day:

B: 2 eggs over medium with 2 slices turkey bacon, large iced coffee w/skim and splenda
S: Laughing cow and pistachios
L: Big greek salad w/1 T feta, 2 T oil and vinegar dressing, 1 T tatziki and 3 strips lamb gyro (leftover from last night)
S: 1 cup chili
D: Out to dinner with DH
Des.: blueberry smoothie w/FF plain greek yogurt, ice, some skim milk and splenda

By the way, I don't know if any of you experience this, but I did last time around on SB and it's already in full swing this time (to my delight): South Beach Blinders. Once I'm steady on SB for a little while, non-SB food kind of disappears to my sight. When I walk into a convenience store, the items beneath the counter just kind of blur together in a big bright smear and the sugary fatty items of junk food there just don't look like "food" to me anymore. Same goes for the cake and cookies and candy all the secretaries leave out on their desks for people's birthdays. I just walk right by like it isn't there. South Beach Blinders. I love it!!! It makes it so much easier.

[MsAnthrope]

You're so thoughtful about your journey. Thanks for posting here, and for popping into my journal. We appear to both be figuring out how to normalize food...SB makes things easier. Keep posting, and visit when you can!

[chefk]

Wow, you've been through a lot and are very honest about it. I genuinely think you're approaching it right this time. It sounds like you'll be getting healthy in several ways including how you treat yourself. I love to eat and I love food and I've finally stopped fighting that. It's who I am. I'm dedicated to making it nourishing and delicious rather than "an issue" or something I'm fighting or abusing and then feeling guilty for. I finally figured out it doesn't have to all be negative with food.

Congrats on your success already.

I'd also love to tag along on your journey. Thanks for stopping by my journal. I'd love to get creative for you.

[amalfi_girl]

Thanks Chef! It's good to have company!

I ended up adding strawberries to my smoothie last night instead of blueberries. So good! The weekends make it harder to get my snacks in, so today hasn't been perfect, but here goes:

B: 2 eggs over medium w/1 slice turkey bacon; medium iced skim latte with splenda
S: none
L: large salad with crispy seitan, a few toasted peanuts and a peanut vinagrette
S: small SF/FF caramel coffee smoothie & 1 slice turkey bacon
D: steamed calamari, shrimp and clams in red sauce over sauteed spinach(at an Italian restaurant out w/DH)
Des.:

30 minutes walking in the city with my adorable little shih tzu, Shana. (I'd like to make a picture of her my profile but haven't been able to figure out the file size thing.)

P.S. still no cravings, feel the same as I did at the end of P1 and am now down to 242 and that much closer to my half way point (236.5)

[amalfi_girl]

I didn't get a chance to eat my fruit yesterday so I'm going to have it as my AM snack (in a greek yogurt smoothie). I wanted to make the zucchini hash browns but they didn't have zucchini at the store (!) so I substituted yellow squash. It was amazing!!! And last night DH and I went out to one of our favorite places, this Italian place that we always used to go to in order to try something different by getting two things and splitting them. We would get things like rigatoni a la vodka and eggplant rolantini and each have some and then take a bunch home because the portion sizes are crazy huge. We couldn't do that this time because he doesn't usually want what I get on SB at an Italian restaurant. So he went nuts and got fetuccini alfredo, and I had my favorite--frutti di mare (which is a ton of steamed seafood on top of linguini), but I had them sub sauteed spinach for the linguini. It was so good, and I couldn't believe how not deprived I felt. When we left, DH felt sick from the heaviness of the alfredo, and I was good and full from my dish, but I felt awesome and I said "I love this diet!!" He said that he knows, and that he can tell I'm so much happier when I eat this way. I feel in control, and it doesn't get any better than that!

B: yellow squash hash browns (w/egg beaters, onion and cooked in 1T olive oil), 1 T goat cheese, 2 strips of turkey bacon
S: Chocolate Strawberry Smoothie (3 T FF ricotta, 4-5 frozen strawberries, 2T godiva unsweetened cocoa, splenda, FF/SF chocolate soy milk)--this came out more like a cold mousse--LOVED IT!
L: big salad with a little bit of chicken, part-skim mozzerella, tomatoes, balsamic vin. and basil
S: large part-skim string cheese + 20 pistachios
D: beef bulgogi and kelp noodle jap chae (a-ma-zing)

I also cooked up some mashed cauliflower with chives and salt and vin. kelp chips for snacks today and for the week. I love cooking (thanks again ChefK!)
Des.:

[Beaching It]

Hi Amalfi Girl, you are doing great! I was very touched when I read your first post and have to say you have obviously done a lot of reflecting about your past relationship with food, and where you want to be in your life. That is the first step to make any change in your life. I too have had a wonky relationship with food all my life (then alcohol in my teens), so I understand all about using food to cope with life. I remember eating a whole loaf of white bread with butter when I was 8 years old before my parents got out of bed. Feel free to drop by my 'Beaching It' journal anytime. I post pretty much daily and have for over a year now. I'm close to goal but struggling to get there.

My only advice to you now starting P2 is to take it very slowly. Add things gradually...not as fast as the book says. I had a 2 1b gain my first week of P2 adding one fruit each day. I just continued on the path and the weight came off so don't get discouraged if this happens to you.

Have a great week!!

Lisa (aka Beaching It)

[amalfi_girl]

Thanks, Lisa! I am making my way through your journal and it is definitely inspirational. Especially to see someone stick with the journaling so consistently, which is what I hope to do. Thanks for the support

[Beaching It]

No problem. I have had success here because of the support I get here everyday. I always say we're in this together and it's great to have friends to talk to every day that 'get it'! You asked about Zumba in my journal. It's a latin inspired dance cardio class that is SO MUCH fun, especially in a group setting. Go to www.zumba.com and check it out. I bought DVDs online and use them in my basement if I can't get to the gym. It's pretty good with the kids and I can still get a good sweat on. Love it and it's changed my body shape big time and is a real escape for me, especially when I'm having a stressful day.

Hope you have a great week on the beach.

[amalfi_girl]

Thanks, Lisa! I ordered the videos last night and I can't wait to try it. I used to use turbo jam and even though the music stinks and the people are pretty cheesy, it was a great work out (and the only workout I've ever done that really gave my apple shape a little more hourglass to it), so I'm interested to see one that is less cheesy but still gives you the great work out!

I'm so sad that the weekend is over. This is the first time in my life that I haven't been looking forward to work on Mondays, although I do enjoy work once I'm there. I just wish I had equal time at home and at work, rather than 80/20 work-home. Dinner was so phenomenal last night, I definitely overdid the protein (bulgogi is just so incredible)-- I kept eating until I was a little too full. But I still had half of it left over, and I used it for a kind of steak-and-eggs breakfast, and brought the rest in for snacks today at work. Here is my menu:

B: bulgogi steak, egg beaters and spinach (nuked together), large iced coffee w/1 T cream, 1/2 cup skim and splenda
S: 20 pistachios
L: salad with roasted butternut squash, gouda, walnuts and grilled shrip with vin.
S: bulgogi
D: greek salad with grilled chicken
Des.:

20 minutes on the stationary bike