This feels strange to post, but on the other hand, I want to be honest about my weight loss background and reasons. I think I would love to hear from others who may have experienced things like this in the past and maybe get some advice from those that haven't.
I am really excited about getting to a healthy weight. I consider it a major part of my personal recovery from bullimia. I haven't thrown up in about six months and I am very proud of myself to date. I am not currently involved in a treatment or rehabilitation program, because I wanted to see if I could do it on my own.
About a year ago, I had some major personal life issues occur. I think I was depressed to begin with, because everything was so hard and it shouldn't have been. Somewhere between now and Christmas, I really started to take it out on myself. I began throwing up consistently once or twice a day and it threw off all of my eating patterns. If you purge, you lose a sense of what food counts are real and not counting. Plus, you are constantly hungry and making unhealthy choices as a result after the binge. I didn't lose weight. I held consistently in the mid-high 180s depending on the time of day. It was a cycle and it was a challenge for me to feel at all satisfied. I felt a great deal of shame and wasn't able to love myself very much at all. It hurt. A lot, physically and emotionally.
I quit in April after I purged in a restaurant with my mother and grandmother. I grew sick of pretending that everything was okay. Husband and I talk about it sometimes, but he is the only person who knows in real life.
The perception issue comes in when I consider how I want to move forward. Trying to lose weight seems counter-intuitive when one is recovering from an eating disorder, but I am overweight and I do want to change it. I think if I get to a healthy BMI, I will be able to shut off the guilty, shameful part of myself by saying I am healthy and nothing is wrong with me. I'm not able to say that now.
I'm also going to the dentist next week. Frankly it terrifies me, because that is supposedly where bullimia is most evident in an exam and I've been putting it off. I'm trying to be honest, reflective and make good choices to keep moving forward with myself.
I don't think I have specific questions. I guess I just wanted to share. Thanks for reading (sorry it was so long).