Eating Disorders Body Image and Perception

[kittykathy]

Hi Everyone,
This feels strange to post, but on the other hand, I want to be honest about my weight loss background and reasons. I think I would love to hear from others who may have experienced things like this in the past and maybe get some advice from those that haven't.
I am really excited about getting to a healthy weight. I consider it a major part of my personal recovery from bullimia. I haven't thrown up in about six months and I am very proud of myself to date. I am not currently involved in a treatment or rehabilitation program, because I wanted to see if I could do it on my own.
About a year ago, I had some major personal life issues occur. I think I was depressed to begin with, because everything was so hard and it shouldn't have been. Somewhere between now and Christmas, I really started to take it out on myself. I began throwing up consistently once or twice a day and it threw off all of my eating patterns. If you purge, you lose a sense of what food counts are real and not counting. Plus, you are constantly hungry and making unhealthy choices as a result after the binge. I didn't lose weight. I held consistently in the mid-high 180s depending on the time of day. It was a cycle and it was a challenge for me to feel at all satisfied. I felt a great deal of shame and wasn't able to love myself very much at all. It hurt. A lot, physically and emotionally.
I quit in April after I purged in a restaurant with my mother and grandmother. I grew sick of pretending that everything was okay. Husband and I talk about it sometimes, but he is the only person who knows in real life.
The perception issue comes in when I consider how I want to move forward. Trying to lose weight seems counter-intuitive when one is recovering from an eating disorder, but I am overweight and I do want to change it. I think if I get to a healthy BMI, I will be able to shut off the guilty, shameful part of myself by saying I am healthy and nothing is wrong with me. I'm not able to say that now.
I'm also going to the dentist next week. Frankly it terrifies me, because that is supposedly where bullimia is most evident in an exam and I've been putting it off. I'm trying to be honest, reflective and make good choices to keep moving forward with myself.
I don't think I have specific questions. I guess I just wanted to share. Thanks for reading (sorry it was so long).
Kathy

[ami]

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sure you're not the only one with eating disorders issues and maybe someone else can benefit reading your story.

Good luck at the dentist office. Be frank and ask for help before you lose your teeth or get gum disease.

Hugs,

[SharleyBloom]

{{{{{{{{{KATHY}}}}}}}}}}

Ya did good. Thanks for sharing. I've hidden my emotional woes by eating myself into this wonderful weight. Time to turn the tables and face the pain. It's probably not going to be nearly as bad as I've imagined it to be. Hang tight and I'll hang with you. No advice from me though, just an ear (eye?) to listen.


Michelle

[groovin]

Hi Kathy,
Thanks for having the courage to share that with us. You made a big step just then. There is nothing wrong with you, believe it or not. I hope you'll be able to see that before you get to that healthy bmi. You came to the right place for support!

One thing I've learned is that once you get the cravings under control on this plan, you actually start to feel like a normal person and not obsessed!

Best wishes!

[kittykathy]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the support. Putting it all out there made me feel like this is a part of my recovery plan and it is a part of how I'm reinventing myself.
I've added two goals that have nothing to do with weight loss to my life makeover plan:
1. I'm going to be really honest with myself and accept that I have strengths. Because I really do and I spent to much time focusing on my weaknesses.
2. I'm going to write a publishable book in the next five years. I participated in a three day novel contest and I will be participating in a November novel contest too. These will give me two manuscripts to polish and edit and work on this year. I plan to have sent them to some publishers by June of next year. Then I will repeat the process over and over again until I find what works for me.

I'm also growing my hair out, so that I have a totally different look. It's not really a goal as I don't have to do anything, but hopefully as I gain my healthy body I will also gain awesome stylish hair to go with it. Then I'll be totally cute when I finish.

[groovin]

Yay! I'm rooting for you!

[SharleyBloom]

Ditto!!

Funny, I'm thinking about cutting all my hair off to look cute.

[cjmeller]

KittyKathy-- Posting your story was very brave, and is a sign that you are ready to be on track towards living a healthy life-- physically AND emotionally! That takes a tremendous amount of strength and you should be very proud of yourself!

I think your goals sound wonderful... best of luck to you on your journey!

[lilmunchkin]

This was an awful long while ago that this post was created, but I just thought I'd share that I'm interested in talking with others also struggling with this. Is anyone still interested in this topic?