| maltaguy
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For anyone who doesn't enjoy the traditional forms of physical exercise to lose weight .. here goes an alternative lol .. I came across this really funny article ... here it goes ...
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days...
Swooning = 6 calories
Palpitations = 10 calories
Shortness of breath = 5 calories
Perspiring = 8 calories
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less=than=sunny desposition = 1 calorie
Recovering from sex
Un entwining = 3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) = 7 calories
Standing up = 9 calories
Getting some juice = 11 calories
Calories burned After sexual intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) = 18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) = 32 calories
During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) = 12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot = 80 calories
Trying Again
If the woman is ready = 5 calories
If the man is not = 156 calories
The Act of Insertion
Man is ready (same vice versa) = 1/4 calories
If the woman is not ready for sex (same vice versa) = 274 calories
Satisfying Partner Sexually (penis size)
Most experts agree that penis size means nothing. In those rare instances where a man has a small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder. whereas a man with a really large organ might not have to work as hard.
Normal size penis = 22 calories
Oversize = 15 calories
Tremendous = 8 calories
Teensy weensy = 163 calories
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2 = 14 calories
5 = 30 calories
8 = 47 calories
(Depending her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to make the beds and cook supper.)
For Men:
2 = 21 calories
3 = 39 calories
4 = 57 calories
(Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. However, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
Clitoral. = 15 calories
Vaginal = 21 calories
Penile = 21 calories
Scrotile = 15 calories
Rectal = 25 calories
Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) = 30 calories
Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) = 3 calories
Wheezing = 5 calories
Squeals = 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning = 11 calories
Low growling = 8 calories
Squishing = 10 calories
Shouting = 16 calories
Screaming = 18 calories
Urgent begging = 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions (”Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more”.) = 25 calories
Calories Burned in Various Sex Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom = 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that this position affords a better view of the clock.) = 25 calories
From the rear = 40 1/2 calories
Standing Both partners of equal height = 18 calories
Standing Woman 1 foot taller than a man = 90 calories
Sex Locations
On a bar stool = 20 calories
Rear of a car = 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing = 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down = 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat = 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat = 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat = 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory = 100 calories
Calories Burned Having Orgasm
Real = 27 calories
Faked = 160 calories
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn’t change = 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple = 15 calories
Orchestra swelled = 6 calories
Magical explosions = 10 calories
Blazing Sheets = 25 calories
Earth moved = 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted = 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin = 60 calories
Pulling Out
After orgasm = 1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm = 500 calories
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing = 7 calories
Sliding around = 9 calories
Serious Skidding = 12 calories
Full cartwheel = 20 calories
Whiplash = 27 calories
Knee burn = 6 calories
Chafed elbows = 5 calories
Chafed nose = 11 calories
Approaching Sexual Orgasm
Letting go = 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself =79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back = 11 calories
Trembling = 15 calories
Shaking = 20 calories
Shuddering = 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open = 33 calories
Premature Ejaculation
During insertion = 2 calories
During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) = 5 calories
During foreplay = 3 calories
Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) = 4 calories
For Women
Frustration = 8 calories
Anger = 15 calories
Violent mood swing = 20 calories
Surpressing rage = 25 calories
Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) = 65 calories
For Men:
Cursing = 10 calories
Apologising = 3 calories
Snivelling = 5 calories
Pleading for mercy = 8 calories
Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) = 15 calories
Dreaming
Regular dream = 2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories
Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) = 20 calories
Group Sex
Introducing yourself = 3 calories
Overcoming shyness = 8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly = 4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly = 62 calories
Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) = 16 calories
Mixed doubles = 26 calories
Being nice to everyone = 100 calories
Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) = 10 calories
Finding your clothes = 5 calories
Typical Sex Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did = 4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do = 8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual =10 calories
Climaxing too soon = 5 calories
Climaxing too late = 6 calories
Not climaxing = 20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object = 9 calories
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object = 47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm = 88 calories
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm = 6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field = 8 calories
Penis envy = 72 calories
Masturbation
For pleasure only = 6 calories
For exercise, too = 10 calories
For relief from tension = 12 calories
To pass the time = 7 calories
To avoid overeating = 16 calories
To get in touch with inner self = 10 calories
To get in touch with outter self =10.5 calories
To avoid insanity = 24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) = 9 calories
Using your hand(s) = 11 calories
Using your finger(s) = 9 calories
Using tweezers = 2 calories
Using an inflatable doll = 24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) = 19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand=operated =12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup = 9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric = 5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here = 50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = purchasing the ticket = 2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = finding isolated seat = 78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = adjusting raincoat = 3 calories
Getting Caught
By partner’s spouse = 60 calories
By your spouse = 60.5 calories
Trying to explain = 165 calories
Stuttering = 28 calories
Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse=whether understanding and open=minded, or narrow=minded and armed) = 40 calories
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm = 100 calories
Fright (includes trembling) = 66 calories
Leaping out of bed = 25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion = 300 calories
Thanking partner quickly = 2 calories
Jumping out of window add 5 calories if window wasn’t open = 15 calories
Landing = 1 calorie
Running very fast = 50 calories
Source : http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/calories-sex.shtml |
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Tue Apr 29, 2008 11:38 pm |
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