| Cairistiona
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Hello everyone!!
It's been a long year or so.. and I have fallen so very far off of the beach.. *yikes*
In May 2007 things started happening.. mostly not good.
My friend who was my diet buddy at work got fired.
The other friend I had there, who also struggles with her weight tries every single yoyo diet out there, and gets mad when none of them work after only a week of trying (and not trying too terribly hard) Candra and I had tried, several times, to get her to join us, but she always had an excuese.. so when Candra got fired.. well.. when I was getting really bad cravings for vending machine goodies, J would just tell me to go get it, then I wouldn't crave it anymore.. so after a couple weeks of basically feeling like I was torturing myself, I did.
Told myself that 'tomorrow is another day'
I have basically been saying that ever since.
I'm not blaming this on Candra being fired, she doesn't control what I eat, but we kept each other honest, and even after work, we were able to help each other out..
The next month was June.. both my older brother and I have a birthday, my anniversary.. lots of parties.. and when I am up at my mothers, I have to bring my own food, then sit there while my younger brother eats a whole.. a WHOLE pizza for lunch, then grabs at a chunk of processed american cheese for a snack not even 2 hours later..
and my doctor wonders where I learned my wonky eating habits from.. the rest of my father's family is the same way!!
Then.. I don't know.. I had managed to not gain anything..
my size 20's still fit, I was being pretty 'good' with what I ate.. still more veggies than before, salad instead of fries.. but I also went back to my sweet and sour chicken.. my pasta 'experiments' (lots of veggies, but still).. but I was starting to notice something..
I just never felt 'Good'
This was about August, maybe early September..
I would get mad.. any little thing would set me off.. then in the next instant, I would be curled up in the floor, in tears.. then 10 minutes later, I'd be pretty OK, but then in another hour crying..
I went to the doctor.. I basically cried on his shoulder, because I didn't know what was wrong with me.. he upped my hypothyroid meds, and told me that he didn't have a pill for what was wrong.. did however suggest that I might have a sitdown with my DH.. basically, his thought was that since DH wasn't contributing much to the marriage financially, I was overstressed and needed to get away...
I cried the whole way home, then cried on DH's shoulder.. I haven't gotten rid of the doctor.. yet.. mostly because he works with me on payment arrangements and hasn't (yet) sicced bill collectors on me for not making the minimum payments ( I pay.. but not as much as they want me to)
It got worse..
I get mad.. sad.. upset with myself.. and I grab the first thing I find.. usually something of the Little Debbie variety.. even sneaking to the store before or after i go to work, and stuffing my face with it so that DH won't see me eat it.. Then I beat myself up for it, and say "Ok.. tomorrow morning I get my act together.. then I wake up, do my crunches/situps, and do it all again...(yes.. I know this is a Major problem.. no idea what to do, and I can't seem to make myself stop)
I have gotten to a point that I have noticed that I don't look in the mirror, not until I am dressed. Even with my glasses off, I don't look.
I have actually managed to gain back all 35 lbs since mid-October.. 6 weeks with a cold, followed almost immediately by 2 weeks of the Flu.. more and more stress... yeah.. bad cycle..
I am tryin to find a counselor that will work with me on payment plans, or worse comes, seeing if I can find clergy that will help in that regard.. (hard to find clerical counselors who are pagan, or pagan friendly when you live in the bible belt..lol) I have someplace I can call through work, but I get really embarassed trying to do this when my husband can hear... he thinks it's just a blue mood and that he can cheer me up.. then gets upset and blue himself when it doesn't work.. find myself faking a smile and a laugh just to keep his spirits up..
I told my DH tonight, among bursts of tears and rage that I hated myself.. he said "no you don't.. if you did, you wouldn't be so mad about how you have been treating yourself.." **sigh** the man has a point..
anyway.. here is the planned menu for tomorrow.. mind, I need to go shopping this weekend, so it might not be as good as it should be
B: 2 egg cinnamon omlete (eggs, splenda, cinnamon, vanilla, then topped with a bit of ff cream cheese
S: celrey or bell pepper slices.. have to see what I have in the fridge
L: Salad with grilled chicken and italian salad spray..
S: Roasted almonds, and probably the rest of the pepper slices since Lunch comes earlier than it should in my day (gotta love working in an office)
D: not a clue.. it will be DH and my 7th anniversary (of our first date/when he proposed) so we will probably go out.. I am going to try for somethin where I can get grilled chicken and veggies
I typically do between 80 and 100 situp/crunches almost every morning.. usually skipping on weekends.. I park as far from the building as I feel I can considering I am overly terrified of lightning, and we're in the stormy season here in Missouri.. I don't walk around my neighborhood because DH doesn't ever feel like going with me, and I don't live in the safest part of town.. everyone who says that they would walk with me usually forgets about it a few seconds later...
Sorry for the horribly long post.. but.. that's what's been happening since I've been gone..
and I did manage to find my photo thread.. added some updated pics
Peace and Blessings, and hopefully I'm here to stay..
Cairis |
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Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:25 am |
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| Cairistiona
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Well day 1..
I know I didn't get enough dairy.. out of yogurt and I didn't realize that the ricotta cheese counted as protein instead..lol
No exercise today.. my TOM started yesterday, and the 2nd and 3rd days are really painful, so I try not to aggrivate it too terribly much.. Did you know they put Caffeine in lots of pain medications? Times like that I really wish I was as lax on the Caffeine as I have become on the sugar.. no I don't.. my heart goes wonky on Decaff teas...
anyway.. Menu for today..
B: Cinnamon Omlete and 2 slices canadian bacon, water w/fiber suppliment, 1/2 large glass of milk
S: green pepper slices and a small handful of roasted almonds
L: well.. the salad was frozen when I pulled it out of the fridge (ewwww) so I snagged a bag of frozen stir-fry veggies, and put the chicken I had already cut up in a baggie, and added it to the veggies after I cooked them at lunch.. had a can of Diet Rite Cherry Cola (No Caffeine, Sugar, Sodium or Carbs.. still not good for me, but I've been craving Cherry Cola, and it's better than hitting the vending machine for a sweet)
so yeah... 4 cups veggies and another 1/2 cup or so grilled chicken
S: the other handful of almonds, and this stuff I make..
1/4 c or so of lf/ff (whichever I find) Ricotta Cheese, then cocoa powder, splenda, and raspberry sf syrup.. again, it kills the chocolate craving, and isn't terrible.. plus, acts as a protein :)
D: Stir-Fry.. Broccoli, Green Beans, Zuchinni, red/green/yellow/orange peppers, and chicken.. figure another 2 cups veggies and 1/2 cup or so of chicken.. sf strawberry popsicle for dessert..
I am doing the grocery shopping tomorrow.. plan on gettin yogurt, string cheese, and more of the frozen steamer pack's of veggies (figured that was pretty easy for lunches at work)
Tomorrow also I'm supposed to be working with some friends on a garden.. we'll have to see how the weather holds.. but ifthis works, tomato's, peppers, onions, broccoli, zuchinni, yum!!
Have a great night!!
Peace~ |
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Sat Apr 26, 2008 2:55 am |
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