| toese
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Ok guys, I'm looking for some sound advice here. It's been bothering me for quite awhile and need guidance.
*********I just want to add that I'm not asking for parenting advice.... I am asking for advice to help w/ my irritability*************
I have a 5 yr old and a 7 yr old both girls. You know how kids can "bug" you by their questions, whining, not listening and such?? Well it seems no matter what comes out of their mouth I seem irritable. Like everything irritates me. I pretty much snap at them for asking for things (like gum, candy, etc) of if I tell them to do something and they are hard head about it I get so annoyed and I don't like showing that kind of attitude in front of them. I don't want them to remember their mommy by being so grouchy all the time.
So advice, a guidance book, whatever BRING IT ON!!!! |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:13 pm |
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| hellolost
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I don't know if any of this will help since I just looked for stuff on the internet.
5 WAYS PARENTS CAN HANDLE THEIR ANGER
1. Heal your angry past
Parenting can be therapeutic. It can show you where your problems are and motivate you to fix them. If your past is loaded with unresolved anger, take steps to heal yourself before you wind up harming your child. Studies have shown that children whose mothers often express anger are more likely to be difficult to discipline. Identify problems in your past that could contribute to present anger. Were you abused or harshly punished as a child? Do you have difficulty controlling your temper? Do you sense a lack of inner peace? Identify present situations that are making you angry, such as dissatisfaction with job, spouse, self, child. Remember, you mirror your emotions. If your child sees a chronically angry face and hears an angry voice, that's the person he is more likely to become.
2. Keep your perspective
Every person has an anger button. Some parents are so anger prone that when they explode the family dog hides. Try this exercise. First, divide your children's "misbehaviors" into smallies (nuisances and annoyances) which are not worth the wear and tear of getting angry about, and biggies (hurting self, others, and property) which demand a response, for your own sake and your child's.
Next, condition yourself so that you don't let the smallies bother you. Here are some "tapes" to play in your mind the next time you or your child spills something:
"I'm angry, but I can control myself."
"Accidents happen."
"I'm the adult here."
"I'm mad at the mess, not the child."
"I'll keep calm, and we'll all learn something."
Rehearse this exercise over and over by play acting. Add in some lines for you to deliver:
"oops! I made a mess."
"I'll grab a towel."
"It's ok! I'll help you clean it up." You may notice a big contrast between this and what you heard as a child. You may also notice it won't be as easy as it sounds.
When a real-life smallie occurs, you're more conditioned to control yourself. You can take a deep breath, walk away, keep cool, plan your strategy and return to the scene. For example, a child smears paint on the wall. You have conditioned yourself not to explode You're naturally angry and it's helpful for your child to see your displeasure. You go through your brief "no" lecture firmly, but without yelling. Then you call for a time-out. Once you have calmed down, insist the child (if old enough) help you clean up the mess. Being in control of your anger gives your child the message, "Mommy's angry, and she has a right to be this way. She doesn't like what I did, but she still likes me and thinks I'm capable enough to help clean up after myself."
We find going into a rage is often harder on us than the child. It leaves us feeling drained. Oftentimes, it's our after-anger feeling that bothers us more than the shoe thrown into the toilet. Once we realized that we could control our feelings more easily than our children can control their behavior, we were able to endure these annoying stages of childhood, and life with our kids became much easier. And when we do get mad at a child, we don't let the anger escalate until we become furious at ourselves for losing control.
Mad at child
Mad at self
More mad at child for causing you to get mad at yourself
Mad at being mad
You can break this cycle at any point to protect yourself and your child.
3. Make anger your ally
Emotions serve a purpose. Healthy anger compels you to fix the problem, first because you're not going to let your child's behavior go uncorrected, and second because you don't like how the child's misbehavior bothers you. This is helpful anger. I have always had a low tolerance for babies' screams. At around age fifteen months our eighth child, Lauren, developed an ear-piercing shriek that sent my blood pressure skyrocketing. Either my tolerance was decreasing or my ears were getting more tender with age, but Lauren's cry pushed my anger button. I didn't like her for it. I didn't like myself for not liking her. It might have been easier to deal with the problem if I had not been feeling angry. But because I was angry and realized it affected my attitude toward Lauren, I was impelled to do something about her cry, which I believed was an unbecoming behavior that didn't fit into this otherwise delightful little person. So instead of focusing on how much I hated those sounds, I focused on what situations triggered the shrieks. I tried to anticipate those triggers. I discovered that when Lauren was bored, tired, hungry, or ignored, she shrieked. She is a little person who needs a quick response and the shriek got it for her. My anger motivated me to learn creative shriek-stoppers. I've become a wiser parent. Lauren has become nicer to be around. That's helpful anger.
Anger becomes harmful when you don't regard it as a signal to fix the cause. You let it fester until you dislike your feelings, yourself, and the person who caused you to feel this way. You spend your life in a tiff over smallies that you could have ignored or biggies that you could have fixed. That's harmful anger.
4. Quit beating yourself up
Often anger flares inwardly, as well as outwardly, over something that you don't like; but upon reflection, after a lot of energy is spent emoting, you actually realize that the situation as it stands now is actually better for everyone concerned. This "hindsight" keeps us humble and helps us diffuse future flare-ups. Our motto concerning irritating mistakes has become: "Nobody's perfect. Human nature strikes again."
5. Beware of high-risk situations that trigger anger
Are you in a life situation that makes you angry? If so, you are at risk for venting your anger on your child. Losing a job or experiencing a similar self-esteem-breaking event can make you justifiably angry. But realize that this makes it easier for otherwise tolerable childish behaviors (smallies) to push you over the edge. When you're already angry, smallies easily become biggies. If you are suddenly the victim of an anger-producing situation, it helps to prepare your family: "I want you all to understand that daddy may be upset from to time during the next couple of months. I've just lost my job and I feel very anxious about it. I will find another job, and we'll all be okay, but if I have a short fuse and get angry at you sometimes, it's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm having trouble liking myself..." If you do blow your top, it's wise to apologize to your children (and expect similar apologies from them when they lose their tempers): "Pardon me, but I'm angry, and if I don't appear rational or appreciative, it's because I'm struggling—it's not your fault. I'm not mad at you." It also helps to be honest with yourself, recognize your vulnerability and keep your guard up until the anger-causing problem is resolved. There will always be problems in your life that you cannot control. As you become a more experienced parent—and person—you will come to realize that the only thing in your life that you can control are your own actions. How you handle anger can work for you or against you—and your child. |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:41 pm |
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| hellolost
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| hmmm I am not sure that was the right kind of attitude |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:44 pm |
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| toese
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Yeah I'm not really "angry" persay but irritable all the time w/ my kids. I'm not sure why I'm irritable w/ them. Sort of like I don't take the time to "listen" to them I would just say "yeah, yeah" if it's something not that "important to me" you know or they will say things over and over again it would drive me nuts. Thats another things I say that constantly. "You drive me NUTS!!" I wish I can stop saying that and stop being so irritable.
Does that make any sense?? |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:00 pm |
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| hellolost
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| I wish I could say something to help but I have no idea. Maybe someone else will be able to |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:32 pm |
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| lovielareau
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do you have other stresses in your life that could be pushing you to the edge? often when we have problems that we cannot immediately address or influence so we vent by lashing out at what is in front of us, pets, loved ones, ourselves....
try to determine what the real cause of your anger/frustration is and deal with that. take walks or have a bit of alone time every evening to destress from your day. try some yoaga or stretching.
practice patience with your girls, even if you have to fake it at first. kids pick up on more than we realize, so they sense when you aren't really listening or are annoyed and will continue to pursue you until they get the reaction they are looknig for. if you are calm and attentive, they will be satisfied and slowly begin to "bug" you less.
hope this helps. at the very least, the fact that you are aware of your problem is a step in the right direction. it takes a strong person to admit a weakness and ask for help. |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 8:35 pm |
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| toese
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I try to learn how to fake but it's hard. I'm not a good faker. (no pun intended ha! ha!)
No, I'm actually one of those lucky people who aren't stressed and theres no other problems in my life really. I just get easily irritated.
Does anyone else get irritable like this with their kids?? I know, its horrible and I love them more than anything.
I guess when I was younger I was very independant maybe that could be one issue. |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 8:42 pm |
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| annecolorgreen
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The thing is, they get a rise out of you when the misbehave. You are actually training them to misbehave (or so I hear). YOU are the adult...you should do everything in your power to stay calm.
Maybe when they first get home from school spend extra time with them right away. Go play in the park, kick a soccer ball, ride bikes. They are probably looking for attention and getting it in the wrong way.
That's all I can think of for now! Realize, though, that it's a rollercoaster with kids too...they have their good moments and bad!!
Hugs,
Anne |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:07 pm |
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| toese
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I have to take them to the store after school. The things that irritate me is when they ask me for things, want things, Milan will ask for something over and over and over again even when I tell her no. Just like right now. She wants to play on the omputer asked me 5 times and I just said "not right now" and now the irritation starts. Also ... when I tell them to do something like brush your teeth, feed the dog .... I have to ask them 5 times or I have to threaten Milan that I will spank her then she will do it.
It's so frustrating. They don't exactly "act" bad. They are known to be "angels" at school. They just don't listen to their parents. Kinda wlak all over us. |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:23 pm |
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| annecolorgreen
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Maybe reward rather than punish?
Make a chart with some stickers and list what is expected each day...brush your teeth, fill the dog's water bowl, whatever...then set up a financial reward at the end of the week depending on how many check marks or stickers they get. With their financial reward, they can save some, give some, and SPEND some (on whatever they want--which doesn't work when your 14 yr old dd buys thong underwear :lol: ).
Hugs,
Anne |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:47 pm |
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| toese
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annecolorgreen wrote: Maybe reward rather than punish?
Make a chart with some stickers and list what is expected each day...brush your teeth, fill the dog's water bowl, whatever...then set up a financial reward at the end of the week depending on how many check marks or stickers they get. With their financial reward, they can save some, give some, and SPEND some (on whatever they want--which doesn't work when your 14 yr old dd buys thong underwear :lol: ).
Hugs,
Anne
I've already tried that Anne. Doesn't work w/ Milan. She doesn't care. She's just lazy!!! I know you have gone thru a lot w/ your kids so what else do you got??? :D |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:57 pm |
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| annecolorgreen
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| Wine? :lol: |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:22 pm |
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| toese
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ahhhh yeah!! I haven't been drinking any wine lately!! :lol: But what do I do during the day silly?? Drink more wine???
Does anyone know if there is like some self help books on this subject that they know about?? I guess I can search the net but maybe someone out there knows something. I know everyone is lurking. Don't be shy post what is on your mind!!! |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:34 pm |
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| annecolorgreen
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| You might look here: http://resources.family.org/category/parenting.do. I love Focus on the Family and their advice. |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:40 pm |
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| nygirl22
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Call SUPERNANNY!
:lol:
Have you ever seen her show? I think she's great (although I don't have kids). Maybe try some of her tactics - I know it's different w/out her help but maybe...?
As for the store thing - don't give in :lol: let your no mean no. And maybe have them help out so that they are not bored or looking around at what to buy. I saw one episode of supernanny (lol) where she had the parent make a list for each kid and then have them cross it off when they got it or ask them what's next. And then make sure you "praise" them for doing a good job helping out.
The sticker/chore thing really didn't work? Did ya praise 'em for doing their chores? lol. I think that's a big deal.
Not sure if that'll help. Good luck though! |
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:43 pm |
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