| A-Rod
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AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a get tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's balls into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f---ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack you rself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX |
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Wed May 30, 2007 9:03 pm |
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| onesunshinerider
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Quote: I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you kidding me? They have the balls to put that on a maxi pad? That is a freaking oxymoron. No such animal. Now granted, it has been 10 years since I have needed one of these but I don't ever remember having a " Happy Period ". My mind is not that much into senility.
If you need an alibi on some dark, stormy night; we are all here for you. " Honest officer, I was talking to her all night. She never left the computer once." |
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Wed May 30, 2007 9:48 pm |
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| vickil
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| ROFLMAO! I love that, A-Rod! :lol: |
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Wed May 30, 2007 9:51 pm |
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| Maryone
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Now that's a rant!! :D
Guys just can't understand what "i'm having my periods" means unless they experienced it once (and that will never happend). I can't believe they dare to put "Have a Happy Period" on their maxipad! LOL Can you actually HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD? Is that even possible? |
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Thu May 31, 2007 2:14 pm |
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| ladybugnessa
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Maryone wrote: Now that's a rant!! :D
Guys just can't understand what "i'm having my periods" means unless they experienced it once (and that will never happend). I can't believe they dare to put "Have a Happy Period" on their maxipad! LOL Can you actually HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD? Is that even possible?
yeah if you are single, broke and late.... |
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Thu May 31, 2007 2:17 pm |
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| caffrey
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| OMG!!! I laughed so hard!!! ROFL!!! I am still chuckling now!!!! LMAO!!!! Hilarious! |
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Thu May 31, 2007 2:33 pm |
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| peacefulpath
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Well, OF COURSE a guy would have thought periods were HAPPY - that means no *bun in the oven* that they have to support, right?
A-rod, excellent rant! I, too, use Always and saw that little condescending riff on the wing cover. Unlike you, I just grumbled to myself and slapped yet another pad in the panties. I'm waiting for Mother Nature to finally wake up and realize that this about-to-turn-52-year-old-woman is STILL menstruating regularly and is eagerly awaiting menopause (perimenopause for 10 years kind of sucks, ya know? Especially when there's no benefit of an occasional skipped cycle.)
YOU ROCK, A-ROD!!!! :D |
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Thu May 31, 2007 4:11 pm |
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| ladybugnessa
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peacefulpath wrote: Well, OF COURSE a guy would have thought periods were HAPPY - that means no *bun in the oven* that they have to support, right?
A-rod, excellent rant! I, too, use Always and saw that little condescending riff on the wing cover. Unlike you, I just grumbled to myself and slapped yet another pad in the panties. I'm waiting for Mother Nature to finally wake up and realize that this about-to-turn-52-year-old-woman is STILL menstruating regularly and is eagerly awaiting menopause (perimenopause for 10 years kind of sucks, ya know? Especially when there's no benefit of an occasional skipped cycle.)
YOU ROCK, A-ROD!!!! :D
girl i'm 47 and like freaking clockwork I hear you. I did have a nice little procedure 3 years ago... made the monthlies almost invisible.... |
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Thu May 31, 2007 4:12 pm |
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| A-Rod
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ha - i should've clarified that i did NOT write this.
i am not wendy aarons from austin, texas. :( |
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Thu May 31, 2007 5:12 pm |
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| onesunshinerider
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| Nessa, my dd had the NovaSure procedure. Is that what you had? She is very happy now. :D |
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Thu May 31, 2007 8:08 pm |
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| ladybugnessa
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onesunshinerider wrote: Nessa, my dd had the NovaSure procedure. Is that what you had? She is very happy now. :D
YES! I swear it was the BEST thing I ever did! |
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Thu May 31, 2007 8:58 pm |
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| maltby_gardner
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That is the funniest letter I have ever read! :lol:
What is a NovaSure procedure? Not that I need it, this is one 52 year old that's been blissfully free of any periods, happy or otherwise, for nearly two years. |
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Thu May 31, 2007 9:51 pm |
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| ladybugnessa
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maltby_gardner wrote: That is the funniest letter I have ever read! :lol:
What is a NovaSure procedure? Not that I need it, this is one 52 year old that's been blissfully free of any periods, happy or otherwise, for nearly two years.
NovaSure is an Endometrial Ablation. it's for perimenopausal women with heavy periods not caused by fibroids or endometriosis (i.e. it's hormonal)
**********WARNING Graphic Girl talk below***********************
what they do is go in and BURN the deepest (the third) lining of the uterus after doing a D &C... after you heal, you still cycle... but you don't bleed...
anymore... well it's supposed to make your periods NORMAL but many times you just don't get one anymore. i get such a light one I consider myself period free now.... but i do have a regular cycle still... like freaking clockwork... whereas i was irregular when i was younger... |
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Thu May 31, 2007 9:55 pm |
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| justright
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| HILARIOUS RANT LETTER!!!!!! Loved it!!!!!! |
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Fri Jun 01, 2007 9:09 am |
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| rhales199
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That was hilarious!!
And aren't their 'happy' commercials just ANNOYING!?!?! (any commercail that can be talking about TOM and have the actors being cheerful and smiley and super active and jumping all over the place or whatever is just plain ANNOYING to me!!) |
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Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:47 pm |
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