| PhoenixEve
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i wonder if someone has been thru this, and if so, how you have handled this situation. after a very painful divorce, i decided to take care of myself and lost over 100 lbs (yipiiii !) and feel great! after several years of being a single mom, i have finally gotten the nerve to try to start dating.
do you discuss your history of weight problems with a person you date? how do you bring that topic up? if someone has discussed this, would you let me know how it was received? so many men think overweight women are unsexy that i am afraid whoever it is may visualize me as i was and not be attracted to me? (please tell me if i sound plain ol' crazy and have no basis for my fear because men do not think like that !)
because i lost a significant amount of weight and am not a spring chick, skin around my adbomen, breasts and inner thighs is a bit loose. skin around my stomach and my breasts sorta hang when i am upside down, like when i am in a position to do pushups. if i ever become intimate, do i give some kinda prior notice that my skin is a bit floppy ? i definitely do not go around jumping into bed with anyone, but if and when the time comes... what do i do? do i just not say anything and if he comments, i just say, 'oh, yeah, forgot to tell you...'
i am so embarrased by the thought of being seen undressed that i think i would just indefinetly postpone getting serious with anyone EVER. and plastic surgery is out of my budget. i know this sounds so dumb, but i don't know where else to raise this question... :( :oops: |
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Thu Nov 17, 2005 3:59 am |
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| LyndaB
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I couldn't respond to your poll because I didn't agree with either answer. I believe that as you are in the "getting to know each other" stage, various topics arise for discussion. If you are still working on losing weight, and that topic comes up, then you discuss the different aspects of it. Would I say "I'm worried that when we become intimate, my skin will hang down?" No, absolutely not.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When I recently went through an illness, and gained 24 lbs of water weight in 2 weeks time, I was horrified at the way I looked. My DH put his hand over my heart and said "this is what I love". Now, we're able to joke about how my jiggly butt still has it's own zip code.
When DH and I first met, and losing weight and getting in shape was a major priority for me, I shared that with him. I told him about my exercise and eating routines and how important it was to me. From there, the discussion continued into how cruel people can be and some pretty nasty things that men had said to me over the years. "You'd be pretty if you lost weight", for example. Well, I started getting emotional over it. And this was like our 3rd date. But DH was right there for me. He called those guys idiots and said it was their loss.
My point in sharing that story... is that the moment to discuss things will pick itself. None of us is perfect in body. Sorry, that's just fact. I'm sure that whomever the lucky guy is will also have something he doesn't love about himself. If you end up sharing your feelings with each other about whatever it is you're uncomfortable with, then your ease with those things will grow. It also makes you more solid as a couple.
Don't worry... it'll be fine. :wink: |
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Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:08 am |
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| Losin' it & lovin' it
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| I agree with Lynda. I also understand how you feel and understand your concerns. I was thin when I got married, got fat, and now I'm getting thin again so my husband has seen me in all phases and he knows my insecure area's. Him knowing about these area's makes me feel more comfortable. For example, my lower stomach is still flabby so he knows to hold me around my upper waist. Just little things like that help me feel better. I did try to put myself in your shoes and for me personally, when the relationship got to the point where I was physically intimate with a man I would have made sure we had been intimate with our feelings first. If I do not feel comfortable sharing my feelings, emotions, and past with him then I certainly don't feel comfortable sharing my body with him. In losing 100 lbs you have done an amazing thing for yourself. Any man worth having will realize this and appreciate the fact that you are taking care of yourself. Take care and good luck in the future! |
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Thu Nov 17, 2005 6:36 pm |
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| bobojd05
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Quote: skin around my adbomen, breasts and inner thighs is a bit loose. skin around my stomach and my breasts sorta hang when i am upside down, like when i am in a position to do pushups. if i ever become intimate, do i give some kinda prior notice that my skin is a bit floppy ?
I am going to be very honest and blunt because I think that's what you are looking for. There comes a time in every woman's life (if she is lucky enough to live so long) that she just doesn't need to be on top any more, especially in a new encounter. Missionary position is the usual most flattering for many of us after a time, and if I were going to have a first time partner, I would likely take it there only. Later, I would see how I felt about things and re-evaluate if I needed to. As the previous poster noted, her husband knows not to grab the areas she is uneasy about. This could be something you tell him, or something he instinctively knows, picked up by your body language. Men are not so insensitive, they know how you feel about your body.
I never have discussed any loose tissue, and I have yet to be rejected by a loving boyfriend (which BTW is the only kind I'd ever be with anyway). For me, by the time it gets there, we are usually pretty committed, and he is unlikely to walk away b/c I'm a bit 'soft'.
If I were you, and beginning to think about dating, I'd just relax. I bet you look good. Keep in mind that most men (not Brad or Ben) date and live with and marry real women, and that many of us have body issues.
Now, all you have to do is find him. :D |
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Thu Nov 17, 2005 7:06 pm |
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| phBalanced
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I know it's been stated that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." That is not just a saying...it's acuatlly true. I've also hear from many ment that they really don't care about that stuff either. I mean, if the guy loves you, he will love all of you.
I think the others have given some very wise and true advise. Be proud of yourself, and don't rush to apologize for something you really shouldn't be sorry for. |
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Thu Nov 17, 2005 8:49 pm |
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| LyndaB
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bobojd05 wrote: There comes a time in every woman's life (if she is lucky enough to live so long) that she just doesn't need to be on top any more, especially in a new encounter. Missionary position is the usual most flattering for many of us after a time, and if I were going to have a first time partner, I would likely take it there only. Later, I would see how I felt about things and re-evaluate if I needed to.
Oh... please don't take the "top" away from me... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! :cry:
I had to laugh when I read this part... because I used to call my first husband "Missionary Man"... that's the only position that man liked or wanted and um... well, I'm not married to him anymore, am I... :lol: |
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Thu Nov 17, 2005 9:09 pm |
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| bobojd05
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LyndaB
Quote: Oh... please don't take the "top" away from me... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! :lol:
Au contraire, my friend. You are welcome to it. I haven't used it in 5 years. |
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Thu Nov 17, 2005 9:36 pm |
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| CndScott808
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Okay, I hope I don't scare off all the women by sticking my nose in here. And hope you don't mind a male opinion.
I also couldn't pick an answer since I don't really agree with either one entirely. I know guys can be mean and shallow sometimes... okay, a LOT of times. Those guys are out there for quick pick ups, though, and I don't think that's what you want from the sound of your post.
I think if you feel that something like loose skin matters, it's probably too early to worry about getting intimate. Save the worry for when you really are serious with someone worthy of you and I think you'll be surprised to find it's not as important as you think it is now.
P.S. No comment on positions. :shock: |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 4:04 am |
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| im_nice1
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i agree with everybody here! :)
however i would like to add my 2 cents worth--that your loose skin is actually making YOU uncomfortable about your body, whether or not any potential boyfriends notice it. It will thus affect YOUR pleasure in the relationship or the intimacy.
I suggest you listen to everybdy's advice; but also start on a muscle toning programs by weights, pilates etc so that you make YOURSELF feel better. and beyond that just try to accept yourself as a beautiful person.
does this sound preachy? it isnt meant to be :).
have fun with the new you! |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 5:44 am |
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| bobojd05
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I am enjoying this thread.
I've been thinking about the poll. Disclosure. The idea annoys me. The fact that you took hold of your health and lost about 100 lbs is a good thing, right?
Is the loose tissue you have some sort of dishonor, something to warn people away from? Is it a sign of poor character, like hiding a past in for instance prostitution? Is it dishonest not to tell him first, as though you were transgender? Does not telling him put him at risk, as though you have AIDS, or even herpes? Uh, no.
Why should you have to disclose that to a potential partner? If it is obvious to him upon your disrobing and he has a problem with that, he should never come back. If he is that shallow, do you want him? You're in for a world of trouble if you do.
I can be shallow as well. When I was younger, I would not consider dating someone 'not cute'. I always wanted my friends to think my bf was hot. :lol: As though it really said anything about who they were. And by younger? I mean till I was forty.
I think Brad Pitt is the gold standard for men. I love everything about the way he looks. I know my bf doesn't look like Brad Pitt. When we first met, I thought he was sort of plain, not very cute. But then he began, over time, to show me who he was, and OMG I love this man, and in a way I never really felt for my better looking bf's. It really is what's inside. Brad Pitt he is not, Thank God, or I would be dealing with the Angelinas (such as they are) of St. Louis, and who needs it? And I know it is trite, but it's true; He's beautiful to me.
Well, enough. You know what I mean. |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:57 pm |
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| pookiebear
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I agree with everyone here, especially bobo and I'm nice.
I was ALSO going to suggest the missionary position because it is more flattering to women. (And hey, I'm 25!) Do things that make YOU feel comfortable. I would assume because he is HUMAN, he'll have things that make him feel a little selfconcious, whether it be in bed or in every day life. You'll learn that about each other as you progress.
One thing *I* learned is that the things I'M self concious about - most people don't even notice! :shock: :lol: You should be honest with yourself and your partner, but if you have this "black hole" surrounding the thought and/or discussion of skin - it could potentially rub off on him and when before he might not even think about it - it might now be in the forefront of his mind. I don't mean to worry you... just trying to be honest. ;)
But ultimately, don't worry! :D When it comes time to be intimate with someone... they'll love you for who you are, ya know? You might think, "Oh, but he hasn't seen me naked!" Well, you haven't seen him naked yet either! :lol:
One other thought on the "positions"... if you're on top, you can always wear a cute little dress or shirt to kinda "camouflage" until you feel comfortable. Hey - it could be sort of a "tease" as well! ;) Ok, I'll stop now..........
:mrgreen: |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:57 pm |
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| bobojd05
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pookie
Quote: Well, you haven't seen him naked yet either!
Right!! No telling what he should have disclosed. :lol: |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:02 pm |
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| LyndaB
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CndScott808 wrote: Okay, I hope I don't scare off all the women by sticking my nose in here. And hope you don't mind a male opinion.
I think if you feel that something like loose skin matters, it's probably too early to worry about getting intimate. Save the worry for when you really are serious with someone worthy of you and I think you'll be surprised to find it's not as important as you think it is now.
P.S. No comment on positions. :shock:
Very well said... and yes, I know I love hearing male input on things like this.
Sure you don't wanna comment on the positions? LOL... :lol:
You know, one of my favorite things still is just to turn all the lights out, no candles either, nothing but great jazz, some good incense and feeling our way around. Talk about complete lack of concern for how something might look. Whoot! :wink: |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:26 pm |
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| LegalBeagle
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Some good advice already. I echo what Pookie said about wearing something during the big event if that is what will make you feel more secure. Maybe a camisole with some support. I've got some with underwires that really do nice things for the bustline. Team it with a garter belt and stockings, and I promise you he will want you to keep it on the whole time. :wink: Most men love lingerie!!!
I've lost about 75 lbs and I've posted before about how sex with my DH is getting better and better (and it was fabulous before, it's just that now I feel more confident and am more athletic and can participate more vigorously, if you will). I feel much more self confident and sexy. Yes, I've got some loose skin, and yes, I sometimes wear lingerie to thrill my DH AND to make me feel less self-conscious. But I honestly think my DH is OK with how my body looks at any weight. He just wants ME to be OK with how my body looks.
I've had men tell me how sexy I am, even when I weighed 250 lbs. So weight is not always a deterrent to men. A lot of it is how we perceive things, not how the guy perceives them. I bet guys are just as self conscious as we are, they just would never let that interfere with getting laid. :wink:
I also repeat what someone said about weights and exercise. I've noticed a lot of toning and firming and way less jiggly-ness on my body since I started lifting weights 3 times a week earlier this year. It has markedly decreased the amount of sag, etc., and tightened things up pretty well. I still have weight to lose and toning to do, but I am happy with the way things are going. :) |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:48 pm |
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| LyndaB
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LegalBeagle wrote:
I've had men tell me how sexy I am, even when I weighed 250 lbs. So weight is not always a deterrent to men. A lot of it is how we perceive things, not how the guy perceives them. I bet guys are just as self conscious as we are, they just would never let that interfere with getting laid. :wink:
It's all in how you perceive yourself. I truly believe that. And Brooke, you have that whole "you'd be lucky to have me but you never will" aura going on. :wink:
And face it, no matter what we women have to think about, men have that whole penis size thing to deal with. I mean, c'mon, that can't be easy. :? |
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Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:15 pm |
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