| LyndaB
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There are a lot of new brides or brides-to-be on South Beach, it seems.
When I get married next weekend, it will be my second (and final, thank you very much) marriage. Not only am I marrying my true love, soul mate and best friend, we are both bringing along the wisdom we gained from being married before.
Others here are marrying for the first time. All of us can gain from the experience of others.
So... to all of you who feel you know the secrets to a healthy, happy and long marrage... please share your words of wisdom with us. :D |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 1:58 pm |
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| Yosh
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Like you I was married previously, and the number one thing that wasn't in my first marriage was good communication. I'm not talking about things that interest you or if you can debate a topic, but real thoughtful insight on what YOU as a couple are feeling and what you need. The minute either of you are worried, concerned, or wonder about something bring it up. If he/she is truly your soulmate they will be empathetic enough to want to discuss it with you and oust out any worries at all.
Even though you may not resolve every issue that comes up, being able to agree to disagree is a huge thing. You'll have to be able to live with that issue for the rest of your lives. Resolution can come in many forms.
I didn't think such a thing existed after my first marriage . . then I found my current BF. Yeah, we are not married, but our communication (amongst so many other aspects of the relationship) is the epitomy of what I've been looking for and I'm so lucky to have found someone like him!
Looking forward to hear everyones replies! |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 2:49 pm |
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| Krilia
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| I've been married just over four years. I agree communication is a big thing, along with compromise - real compromise, not passive-aggressive let the other person have their way stuff. And, of course, absolutely wanting to do all kinds of things with the other person. I've seen plenty of people end up spliting because there wasn't really enough common interests to hold them together. (I've particularly seen it a lot because I'm a computer geek and gamer girl, and there are a lot more males in that group than women.) |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 2:54 pm |
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| LyndaB
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Thanks Yosh... yes, it'll be interesting. :D
I agree completely on the communication. My ex and I did not communicate at all until the day I told him I wanted the divorce. Now, my DH and I have wonderful conversations daily and always have. Since day one. Of course, not watching tv helps with that, too. Instead of losing ourselves in silly shows or movies that we don't even really like each evening, we lose ourselves in each other.
Also, when I asked DH what his response to this question would be... he said his experience taught him two very important things... "Know when and how to pick your battles"... and "Don't settle".
We don't agree on everything (and wouldn't want to) but if I get annoyed at him leaving a few whiskers in the sink after shaving, is it really worth the effort to create an argument over it? I'm thinking no...
And we both *settled* in marrying our first spouses. In both cases, it was pretty much because no one else was around and it was probably time... and also because we had no concept at the time of what love really was.
krilia, oh yes, you do have to want to do things together. We still hear his ex complain all the time "well, you would never do that stuff with ME"... and he says, "well, how do I tell her that she always bitched no matter where we went or what we did." Personally, I think she should realize that no two relationships are the same, therefore, he isn't the same person with me that he was with her.
So many people say... "you'll know when it's right." Well, NOW I know what they meant but how could I have known that prior to meeting my DH? Hard to explain... unless you are lucky enough to be with the person who's meant for you. :D |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 3:02 pm |
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| srwerner
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I debated between choosing the first and last choice in the poll. I chose the first, but I'm not sure about the soulmate thing. I have been married for over 2 years and in love with someone that fits me well.
The key for us has been having similar temperments, visions of the future, backgrounds, and overall outlook on life. And good ol' communication of course! I have learned over the years that in order to have your mate understand what you want, you have to TELL him or her! They are not going to guess on their own. I remember a few years ago, I was bringing in groceries from the car and was getting a little "pissy" wondering to myself, why isn't he out here helping me. Then I realized... I didn't tell him I needed or wanted help. I'd have no grounds to yell at him or get angry at him since I didn't tell him what I needed.
Compromise is a good one. Also working as a team. I have strengths and weaknesses and he does as well, and where I'm weak and he's strong, he leads. Where I'm strong and he's weak, I lead, etc. Somehow we've just found a harmony and are supportive of each other and are each other's best friends.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Please tell us all about it!!! |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 3:15 pm |
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| LyndaB
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I can't wait!!! It's going to be so great... mostly because we've kept it very small and intimate and very family-oriented.
My brother and SIL offered their beautiful spacious country home for our wedding and, in lieu of gifts, we asked that our guests (all family) bring their favorite potluck dish, so the foods all taken care of. I used to have a crafts business and have already made my bouquet and my niece's bouquet. I'm decorating the cake and making a wreath to hang above the fireplace in the Great Room, where the ceremony will take place.
My Dad is officiating for us and, when we had our run-through last Sunday, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. My 17 y.o. niece is my bridesmaid. Her twin brother is our DJ. One of my other brothers is a professional photographer and will do our pictures for us.
My soon-to-be-stepson is my DH's *best man* and will not only hand us our rings, but there will also be a part of the ceremony where he and I make vows to each other as stepmother and stepson. It's basically going to be an incredibly emotional, exciting and loving day, all the way around. |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 3:25 pm |
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| colliegirl
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Lynda, what a fabulous idea for vows between you and your step-son! I have a natural child by my first marriage and a step-son by the second. I am closer to the step-son than to my daughter. After being married two years, I was able to adopt the boy and that has worked out well. As for the marriage of 35 years? Guess I am not feeling real good about it at the moment, but this too shall pass.
Best wishes to you on your big day and the rest of your life! |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 6:22 pm |
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| wildgrits
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I guess I'm going to sound like the Grinch here. I don't believe in soul mates. If you yourself aren't able to make you whole, then how could someone else do it?
I don't know if anyone has ever read Shel Silverstien's books, but they are perfect for this. By the way, he writes childrens books.
The missing Piece
The missing Piece meets the Big O
Incredibly those two books put a lot into perspective.
Kind of like would you take the red pill or the blue pill?
But that is just the geek in me sneaking out. |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 6:29 pm |
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| LyndaB
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wildgrits wrote: I guess I'm going to sound like the Grinch here. I don't believe in soul mates. If you yourself aren't able to make you whole, then how could someone else do it?
You don't sound Grinch-like at all... but that's such an interesting perspective... I never believed I needed anyone else to make me a whole person, although I'm sure if we ask what soul mate means to people, everyone will have a different answer.
In my eyes, my soul mate is the one with whom I can communicate the best, and whom I love the most, and the person above all others that I would choose by my side when doing just about anything. He is the one that I would turn to when sharing great accomplishments or when I need comforting. He is the one I entrust with my heart and soul and my deepest, darkest secrets. He would never judge me. He would do anything for me and vice versa, although we would never test those boundaries. I could go on and on... it's all emotional to me. |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 6:40 pm |
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| Lisa0825
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I believe in love, but I don't believe in soul mates. I believe there are many people in the world who I could be compatible with and fall in love with. If I believed there was only one, then I'd think my chances of finding him were like a needle in a haystack!LOL
(divorced from my first love, looking for my second) |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 6:44 pm |
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| colliegirl
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| A soulmate to me is someone I can tell my most secret thoughts to, not necessarily a BF or spouse, without fear of the secret being used as a weapon later on, or something to be made light of. I have not found this in either of my marriages. |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 8:11 pm |
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| Lisa0825
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colliegirl wrote: A soulmate to me is someone I can tell my most secret thoughts to, not necessarily a BF or spouse, without fear of the secret being used as a weapon later on, or something to be made light of. I have not found this in either of my marriages.
I thought the idea of a soulmate was that there is one and only one person meant for you, to be your perfect match. I disagree withthat premise, but I agree with what you said above... and while I am single, I am lucky enough to have that kind of deep relationship with my best friend:-) |
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Thu Oct 21, 2004 9:12 pm |
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| tennie
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After 45 years of marriage all I can say is: it's great to be married and in love with my best friend.
(Or I could say that I married him for his money, and I'm not leaving until I find it!!) |
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Fri Oct 22, 2004 1:58 am |
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| Yosh
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I have to entirely agree with Lynda on her definition of soulmate. I don't "need" anybody to make me whole, but my BF/best friend/soul mate is the one person I want to open up my soul to (thus the term soul mate).
After having been married the first time to someone I "settled" with, I thought there was no such thing out there. I thought I would be a single woman for an awful long time to heal and regain my independance. My independance actually came quickly - within a year. I learned to love myself and trust myself and most importantly challenge myself. I met my BF during this change and we were friends for 3 years before we hooked up. We have similar interests, goals, humor, hobbies. We also have very different interests, goals, humor and hobbies - which keeps that interest alive. I know it's cliche . . but he "gets" me. We've been going 2 years strong this coming December 9th, and have had just the most amazing open communication I could ever ask for.
btw Lynda, your ceremony sounds lovely. The vows to your godson will have the whole congregation drenched!! |
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Fri Oct 22, 2004 2:41 am |
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| BB
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I totally believe in soulmates...I'm not settling until I find mine! :D
Any of the skeptics ever seen the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? Ever read The 5 People You Meet in Heaven? That is how I feel about soulmates. Both are great btw.
As for marriage advice...seeing that I am still young and single, I'll pull from the classic advice that my eternally happily married parents give (they've been married 27 yrs)---------------
1) lots of sex :D :D :D
2) remembering to keep the relationship a priority (above jobs, kids, etc); then everything finds a way to fall into its proper place |
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Fri Oct 22, 2004 4:22 am |
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